Bits and bobs

I've spent the past few weeks mostly recovering from the benefits appeal, which mercifully I won. But it was a huge trauma and stress, I'm only just sleeping properly after it. It is deeply invidious that the system should be so skewed against the sick.

On a brighter note I've continued pursuing the domestic arts. It makes sense really, I'm home so much, at most I'm out two hours a day; homely things like baking bread and knitting make sense as occupations. Baking bread is tiring, but rewarding and interesting, I've been reading Elizabeth David's English Bread and Yeast Cookery, a work I highly recommend if you are at all interested in baking your own bread. In it she explores the history of bread making and all the technical details, before going on to provide comprehensive recipes that work well. Although I have only really dipped in and out of it (it is an immense work) it is an entertaining read, Elizabeth David was not just passionate about food but crucially was a superb writer. She leaves one in no doubt as to her opinions. Illustrated here is my first attempt at a Coburg loaf, which is apparently just like a cob loaf, but for the cross cut on top.

With the onset of spring my annual enthusiasm for gardening has returned and this week Dad did all the hard work and I put some spinach, baby cos lettuce and tomato seeds in some pots. The cos lettuce leaves have already sprouted and together with the baby spinach leaves should provide some interesting lunchtime salads. Our pond goes from strength to strength, being currently full of tadpoles; it resembles a bustling city, the surface of the water constantly aquiver. The fish seem remarkably unconcerned by their little companions nor by the newt who we spotted in there this week.

Knitting takes up most of my time and energy, but I would like to have a go at some sewing, hopefully this coming week I'll manage to prise myself away from the knitting needles. Overall things are very quiet, lonely at times. I've managed to get to church group a few times lately, they're a lovely group of people, all my friends are lovely people, just far too busy. I suppose it's no fault of theirs, but it does leave me on my own the vast majority of the time and I can't remember when I last met up with a friend except at church group or knitting group, which is just a bit depressing.

Still got to keep my pecker up I suppose, could be worse? Or something like that! While we're on the subject of good attitude I'd recommend reading Kate Davies' blog Needled - a lecturer in 18th century fashion and social history she recently had a stroke and her account of recovery has been amazing. Every doctor ought to read it as an account of what it feels like to have a stroke (or indeed any other sudden change of circumstance and health). She writes with humour and grace and although the word 'inspiring' can be somewhat overused in this case it is in way hyperbolic. She also makes gorgeous knits such as the famous (in the knitting world!) Owls jumper and the photography is brilliant. Over and out for now, hopefully I'll update this more frequently, who knows.

Again it's been a long time since I last blogged, I must get into more of a habit of it. Life has been hectic lately, at least by my standards, lots of appointments with doctors, nurses, therapist, legal advisors etc. caused partly by a rather nasty infection and partly by my benefits appeal, which is next Thursday.

Next Thursday at 4pm hangs over me like a dread weight, a little like the anvil waiting to drop like in an old fashioned cartoon. Having to justify myself and defend why I need incapacity benefit and how I'm ill enough is horrible, I hate having to do it. I hate the 'game playing' that becomes involved and the need to bend the truth to fit their guidelines. I hate the rigidity of their system that makes no account of the things that really affect my ability to work - like how tired I am every day, day in day out. The 'fatigue' is what stops me from doing so much I long to do but I struggle to communicate this to the professionals who are trying to help (or hinder as their role entails...). Increasingly I'm being asked what job I want to do, am I going to continue any study, work related activities, volunteering and all the rest. But I don't currently have the energy to get a hair cut, or see my friends, or even go to church group, so where am I going to get the energy to do all these other things?

I am trying to trust God, because I know all things are in his hands, but I am struggling. I don't even know if the benefits are part of his provision for me or if he has some other plan. Another point of the benefits appeal that worries me is the truth; I've been told what to say - but some of it isn't 100% true, or is a blurring of the truth or being economical with it. To some extent some of this can't be helped - a system that judges you fit for work if you can watch tv for 30 minutes and follow what is happening means that sometimes you do need to be careful what you say. Some of this is also remembering what a worst day is like and talking about that, which is something I'm very bad at, I'm used to playing down how awful I feel, so this is all very counter-intuitive. But I do not want to lie outright, because as a follower of Jesus I want to be honest.

After I had been thinking about this yesterday I read that day's entry in Spurgeon's Faith's Chequebook and the words seemed to spring out of the page at me:

Let the reader never for a moment attempt to help himself out of a difficulty by a falsehood or by a questionable act; but let him keep in the middle of the high road of truth and integrity, and he will be following the best possible course. In our lives we must never practice circular sailing nor dream of shuffling. Be just and fear not. Follow Jesus and heed no evil consequences. If the worst of ills could be avoided by wrongdoing, we should, in the very attempt, have fallen into an evil worse than any other ill could be. God's way must be the very best way. Follow it though men think you a fool, and you will be truly wise.

So I'm doing my best to prepare, praying, trying to trust, trying not to go to pieces completely. These benefits have such a negative impact on my mental health, which is infuriating because I was just beginning to feel like I was getting somewhere with the CBT, beginning to feel more positive about myself, feeling pleased that I finally felt like I was recovering from the depression.

I don't know if I want to win this appeal, although it would bring a little bit of money into my life, which wouldn't be unwelcome, but it would also bring back all the 'pathways to work' interviews and extra demands. Additionally there is talk of how I should be applying for more benefits, including Disability Living Allowance, which I can't stand even to think about. It makes me feel like life isn't worth living, what's the point in all this? The sheer amount of stress, on top of feeling so ill makes life seem very unappealing. This is so bad for my mental health, the DWP make me feel worthless, guilty, useless and a fraud on a number of different levels (for example, for being able to knit and knitting so much). I hate this system, it feels like being kicked when you are down.

I feel like such a wimp making all this fuss.

Elizabeth Zimmerman is melting my brain

I am attempting to knit her February baby cardigan from her Knitter's Almanac for the very sweet baby of a friend. It is a beautiful cardigan but the instructions are contained within a pithy page, not written in a particularly logical order, or certainly not logical to my brain. Hopefully now I seem to have got to the end of the yoke increases relatively unscathed things will improve, meanwhile I spend time staring at the page, clutching my hair, the cogs of my brain turning perceptibly.

This is not to denegrate Elizabeth Zimmerman in anyway, she was a far better knitter than I will ever be, but her patterns are not written as clearly as is common today. Today one can be relatively safe taking things line by line and following the instructions, providing of course that one has read through the pattern first to check for nasty surprises. No one wants to get through inches of a garment suddenly to discover previously unsuspected steeking* for example.

The Peasy cardigan is chugging along, I'm working on the body, which always was going to be a fairly long job, although its plain stockingette nature does make it excellent conversational knitting.

Another thing I had been meaning to mention on here is the overall content and aim of this blog, it does, even to me, seem somewhat muddled. I initially aimed to start a knitting blog, with perhaps the occasional gentle foray into baking, sewing, drawing or other creative and/or domestic arts. However, as you probably know, I am a Christian, or follower of Jesus Christ and contrary to common perception He is interested in us and in our lives, what we get up to. So what happened was that He turned up, walked in and sat down in the middle of my intended knitting blog. Jesus is interested in all of us, not just the 'religious' bits, the Sunday bits, but in literally everything, from our love lives to our messy sock drawers and He is interested in what interests us. Hence why my blog has become a mix of Jesus, knitting, yarn, cake and a lot else besides.

I'm not apologising for any of this because even if it looks utterly potty to the outside world, I am a follower of Jesus and this blog is an expression of who I am, or some parts of it. Likewise although for parts of last year this blog became somewhere I came to pour my heart out after Amy died I am not 'tidying' that away. I did consider it, but decided upon reflection to keep this blog as it was, with all its mess and human untidiness.

I would like to improve the appearance of my blog, if anyone knows anything about this do get in touch, my IT knowledge sometimes simply runs out. I should also try to blog more often, we'll see how we go with that one.

P.S. I have started adding the yarn I knit to www.knitmeter.com and in January I knitted more than 1500m of yarn, scary thought...

* For the initiated, steeking requires the knitter to cut their knitting to create an opening, such as for sleeves, or the two fronts of a cardigan and is often used in colourwork knitting.

The elusive "it"

I think I've found it, or solved it, the elusive niggle that something's not quite right, that I'm out of sync with something. It is hard to quantify, explain, put into words, other than to say that praying felt like "shouting into a concrete bucket" to quote the inimitable Adrian Plass (I think), that I was somehow out of sorts, distant from God.

My answer to this "it" is as simple as the word, I realised yesterday that I keep trying to do several things at once: multitasking. Now this is fine, a useful ability, but a tiring one and not always the greatest in a relationship, not if the multitasking stops you from fully focussing on who you're trying to relate to. It's like sitting in the same room with someone, talking, but never catching their eye, never looking at them, hearing most of the words, but not bringing them fully to focus inside your mind and missing all the body language, emotion and tone. That's what I've been doing with God. I need to stop and spend some time with Him completely, not doing anything else, just being with Him.

This isn't to say there isn't some value in Brother Lawrence's ideas about being with God all the time through everything you do in the day, but it helps if at some point in that day you stop and relax and spend some time just being together. Simple though the solution seems, I doubt I'll sort this out overnight, I spent some time just listening to songs, singing along, 'worshipping', bathing in Him, revelling in who He is and what He has done. (While we're here, I know that everything we do is supposed to be worshipping Him etc. etc. and that worship can take many different forms, it's just that today that's how I was worshipping Him. There's something in music, in singing alone (or even better together) about and to our God, that is ancient and good and holy and biblical.) Anyhow, meanders aside, it was good, refreshing, I know feelings aren't everything, but it did feel good. Next time maybe we'll read the Bible together?

I've been listening to "Blue like Jazz" that my friend Nic recommended to me (I think it was her... correct me if I'm wrong), which I got from audible. It's interesting, thought provoking, needs digesting, will need to be listened to multiple times, or maybe I'll get the book and read it 'properly'. At first it felt a bit odd, drifting, just this guy's thoughts, but gradually themes have emerged and interesting ideas with them. It helped me to realise how I was dividing myself from God and not paying attention properly, not engaging with Him. That's valuable enough in itself to get from a book.

Tonight it's made me feel a bit doubtful of myself again, it doesn't take much to make me doubt myself. He's started talking about how we're not meant to be alone, which I know - all too well, and about community. How we could stop feeling lonely if we lived in community - shared places to live and lived together as a church, as people, how damaging loneliness is. He makes the solution seem so simple, get off your backside and go engage with people, talk to them, listen to them, humble yourself and be open for them. But what if you can't? What if you can't physically make it to see people? What if you can't make it to their meetings and groups? What are you supposed to do then?

Is it my fault that I'm sick and can't get out and talk to people and start creating community? Am I just not trying hard enough? Trying hard enough... those words come up so often, they make me worry so much, like things would be better if I tried harder. But really, tried harder at what? When are these words lies and when is it true? When do I need to try harder? Why? I know I need to see more people, more brothers and sisters especially. Sometimes I need to make more effort, but there's days and weeks and months where I don't have the effort to give. What then?

So I feel like a failure again and try to remind myself of grace, again.

mmm cake

Today, since we are still surrounded by acres of snow, I held a tea party to which our dear neighbours came and for this purpose I baked. I was really feeling the need to bake, as sometimes one simply does and in such circumstances it seems only fair to share.

I made some wonderfully nostalgic butterfly cakes and some 'chocolate crinkle cookies' (from the allergy free cook book), which went down particularly well with John-from-next-door.

Of course I had to get some pictures!
Enjoy, hope they don't make you feel too hungry. In other news my cardigan is now onto its first sleeve, I'm trying not to get too bored by plain stockingette stitch, at least it's in the round and on one 16in circular, so it's just knit knit knit away.

New year, new cardigan

I am pleased to announce that the vine yoke cardigan did 'work', it fits, doesn't look too silly/outlandish/hand knit and is wonderfully, beautifully warm in a way that can only be appreciated with this much snow and ice around. The Christmas socks were also a great success and I was incredibly impressed with the yarn - Socrates Solemate from Violet Green. A merino treat for feet with beautiful stitch definition and that doesn't lose a drop of the dye when washed, the colour is just as fresh, clear and bright after about ten wears and washes as it was when it was in the skein. They are also the most comfortable socks I've ever worn (sorry Colinette Jitterbug!), silky soft, smooth and looking as good as new. To celebrate the wonder of this yarn I ordered some more, in a colourway called "The Sea, the sea". Someone at Violet Green is obviously a fellow fan of Iris Murdoch since a new colourway in this yarn is called "Bruno's Dream" - gorgeous greens with the slightest hint of yellow.

I'm pondering what are the most Murdoch-esque socks I can make with the new yarn, possibly something inspired by the sea, I may go back and re-read the book to gain some inspiration. If I do the socks could be some time in the making as it is quite a lengthy novel, though I remember being utterly wrapped up and swept away by it on the first reading (sorry for the slight pun there, unintentional). Iris Murdoch's novels are so richly atmospheric and her characterisation magnificent, if you haven't read any of her novels do, borrow mine!

Returning to the slightly more mundane, from the literary, I'm working on a new cardigan, Peasy by Heidi Kirrmaier, a rather elegant top down number and perfect knitting for that delightful post Christmas crash (which we won't dwell on). It is a replacement for a staple of my wardrobe, the navy blue-goes-with-everything cardigan, since mine has developed interesting holes. I will try to darn the old one, but it is on its last legs, having bravely survived more than a year's hard wear. Anyhow enough burbling for today, I'm going to attempt to repair the sleeve of my vine yoke cardigan, some stitches appear to have come loose or something on the bottom of the sleeve and as we all know, a stitch in time saves nine.

Nearly Christmas!

How time flies when you're having fun... now it's nearly Christmas and nearly two months since I last posted, I am a bad blogger. For me I've been relatively cheery, Christmas has that effect on me.

My vine yoke cardigan from the wonderful Twist Collective continues apace, well apace for me anyhow. I've just started the left front, when I say started, I've done one row, but that counts in my book. I'm still worried that it won't fit or will be too short or won't suit me or will look silly, but even if they're all the case I've learnt a lot about knitting while working on it. Short row shaping now makes some sort of sense and it's made me look at garments again from a new angle, as anything knitted from side to side would I suppose.

I'm also doing some fun Christmassy socks in appropriately coloured yarn, though I have also fallen in love with this little effort from Drops.

Next job I suppose is to decorate a bit for Christmas, I keep running out of energy. I have about four times as many things I want to do, then some more I need to do, than I have energy for, such is life. I'm just hoping I don't feel too flat after Christmas. Anyhow, I should be getting my 40 (or 50) winks, so hopefully be back here soon, toodle pip!