Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Radio silence

I haven't posted for a while because there hasn't been a lot to say. It's just more of the same, more feeling awful, more waiting for appointments, more impromptu trips to the doctors', more things I need to do piling up undone, more depression, more antibiotics, or antibirockets as a fellow raveller put it.

I feel truly pathetic for getting so down, other people have things far worse than I do and manage to live with far more grace, although I know depression doesn't help me to do this. Life is just so hard, unrelentingly so and I'm trying so hard to hope. Being so isolated doesn't help either, particularly spiritually, being an isolated Christian with depression isn't easy, I'm trying to believe, trying to keep communicating with Jesus, keep worshipping, but not succeeding very well.

At least I've got an appointment later in the week to see Father Andrew, a lovely retired vicar or priest (he wears a dog collar so he must be something like that?) who is wonderfully understanding and one of those people who is so Jesus-like. Crucially he is also easy to talk to; I find even when I do see people that it's really hard to open up. I guess you're never sure how people will react and it's rare that any one's got the time and inclination really to listen. And I don't know how to start or what to say and I don't really have the energy to socialise anyway. It's that catch-22 situation of being lonely but not well enough to see people.

However, before this all gets too depressing for words, there have been a few other things going on. The loaf of bread I made overnight in the bread maker has come out very nicely, a light wholemeal loaf. But I have had to undo ten days' hard work on a cardigan I have been working on because of a simple mathematical error that means it was working out far too small. One of this afternoon's tasks will be to start the cardigan all over again. Such is knitting I suppose, one blessing is that the yarn doesn't seem overly bothered by being undone, some of it for the second time. It is a bit disheartening to see ten days' work reduced to a pathetic huddle of bundles of yarn.
I am going to go outside into the garden now, since the weather has changed once again, from November back to proper August weather.

Oh and while we're on the subject of the radio - Radio 4 has just started another of its modern production of lost Paul Temple serials, past ones have been superb, truly the BBC at its very best - you simply must listen!


  1. Afraid I can't help with the 'isolated Christian' part, but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and that I feel it is entirely reasonable to be fed up at the very least when there are lots of health issues going on - or indeed other things that are not right - and the fact that other people are worse off does not minimise your own problems. You are obviously doing your best to focus on the positive, which is always a good thing to do and that loaf does look particularly good!

    When my brother was about 10 or 11, he was feeling particularly down one day due to various things including having had shingles followed by chickenpox (supposed to be impossible, but it happened) and he had rheumatic-type pains in his legs and our Mum reminded him that there are people worse off and he wailed, "Oh, no, now I have to worry about them too!".

    I would say don't worry about the other people. Your own problems are sufficient for you to worry about for now. Sorry to hear about the knitting, but like you said, "Such is knitting" and it happens to all of us knitters from time to time.

    I hope the garden made you feel better yesterday and that today is/was better than yesterday and that your meeting with Father Andrew goes/went well.


  2. Thank you Ros - the garden is very good - I saw a dragonfly there today! The cardigan is getting back on track and looking more the right size this time, which is good. Thank you for your kindness. x