Saturday, 23 March 2013

Facing failure

Some days, some weeks even, I feel like a failure: an utter, miserable, lowest of the low, out and out failure.  Now is one of those times.  Life seems dismal, I feel frustrated by my own ability to make the same mistakes again and again and I feel stuck.  Prayer is hard, a fight and a battle, to focus, to find the words, even sitting quietly before God is a challenge.  I find myself not wanting to pray, which is a feeling I hate.  I hate that I do not want to spend time with God and hate how that must make Him feel.  The world seems like a bleak place and change seems impossible.

I am trying to persevere, as the Bible urges us to again and again, but it feels so hard and yet in saying that I feel like such a wimp.  Surely I knew before I began that following Jesus was hard?  He warns of it, "Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10) and "In this world you will have trouble." (John 16).  So why do I moan and whine and protest when things are hard?

I find it so hard to put aside my pride and admit that I cannot do this on my own, to accept my own inadequacy and that ultimately I cannot save myself.  It is at this point that I turn again to Jesus, to the cross, to give in to grace, something so simple, yet so hard.

But I still admit that I cannot yet rejoice in trials and sufferings, although I can overall see the good that has been coming out of the hard times.  Sometimes the hard times are when I am closest to God, but the hardest hard times are when I find it hard to approach God and when my sense of failure becomes overwhelming.

Father help me to persevere.
Forgive me my failings.
Thank you for the cross.
Help me.
Help me to find strength in my weakness.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12) 


  1. God created you to be yourself. Mistake, failure and all. And He loves you unconditionally. And forgives you unconditionally. Thats why we are given each new dawn. its a chance to start over again, forgiven and pure before His throne.

    If He didnt expect us to fail or sin He wouldnt have died for us to be forgiven, as there would be nothing to forgive.

    You are in my prayers.

  2. So sorry you've been feeling this way. It is awful when we feel so exhausted / despairing / etc. that we can't feel God's love for us. Sometimes I rant and rave at God, but I figure that S/He can take it. I do feel very childish at those moments, but also it's then that the idea of God as parent makes total sense. Sometimes I just need to express my human frailty and beg for God to hold me (up). It's comforting to know that God loves me unconditionally, including my failures and idiocies (is that a word?). As fibreclaire said, God created you to be yourself. As God's child, you are a wonderful creation with a unique perspective and experience.

    The other thing that helps me at these times is to remember the great commandment was to love our neighbours *as ourselves*. Self-love has to be the foundation of everything else we may be or give. So when I'm annoyed with myself I think of what a dear friend would say to me in that situation, and that helps me not to be so hard on myself.

    Hugs to you. x