At the end of my last post I wrote that I would be back with some goals or aims for the new year; however, when I came to think about it being a New Year (the words seem capitalised in my head) and thinking about what I wanted to achieve in those 12 months I ended up overwhelmed. During the closing month or so of last year I had many ideas about how the New Year was going to be, changing my life, being bolder, doing various things better, the usual sorts of things. Then the New Year came, in its usual underwhelming style and over the first few days of the year I have felt a sense of disappointment, that things are not immediately better, that I am still making some of the same mistakes and failing in some of the same areas as before, that each day feels the same as it did last year.
My expectations both of myself and of an arbitrary division in the calendar were vastly over-inflated. Surely I should have remembered how overwhelming it is to look at something as big as a whole year in one piece? And I had also failed to remember that my body has not magically got better overnight, the succession of headaches that has marred the first week of the year should be a sharp reminder.
So instead I am rethinking the goals and aims and what I want to achieve and breaking things down into smaller, more manageable chunks. Overall this year I want to live more boldly and be more prepared to try new things and take risks, albeit carefully calculated risks. But I do need to start where I am, more rest needs to be on the agenda and my first big goal is finishing my dad's jumper, which is becoming something of a struggle due to lack of motivation. Fellow knitters will understand when I say that I am on the sleeves, often a dispiriting section of a jumper.
On I go, step by step, taking the year day by day, with my usual slow dance of two steps forward, one step back, trying to keep trying and not get discouraged. After all an arbitrary change of date is not enough, on its own, to change life.