Wednesday, 18 February 2015

More on change

So it's been over a month and I have managed to miss last month's book, though it could be rather dull, I have mostly read technical booklets lately, on thrilling subjects like how to work the oven or what insurance covers.  But I thought an update was long overdue.

I am finally living in my new house, after a long period of doing things and sorting out, it is not totally sorted yet, some of my furniture has yet to arrive and the books have yet to make the big move.  Although I never thought I'd manage to pack them all up, took nearly 40 boxes in the end.  There have been hiccoughs like the heating breaking down twice and rodent related issues I wish I did not have to deal with, let us just say that Rentokil are expensive but lovely.

All the work involved has been horribly hard on my health, ME, fibromyalgia and moving house do not mix well at all, I have been more tired and sore than in ages lately.  Emotionally it is weird too, I am not some who deals well with change: last time Waitrose moved stock around I nearly had a panic attack.  So a major life change like moving out on your own is good, but also feels odd, weird, strange and scary.  There simply is no turning back and going home and being the same, I cannot let myself and there were lots of reasons I needed to be out, but staying means being brave again and again and again.  Of course there have been happy times I have enjoyed, being able to welcome a friend to my place for the first time, exploring a new area (fantastic greengrocer up the road), being able to shut the door on the world, meeting a friendly local cat who insisted on exploring the house for himself.  There are things I am looking forward to like planting the garden or having friends over for dinner for the first time.  But there are also times when I start at every noise (not helped by aforementioned rodents) or wonder, "what next?" and "what am I doing here?".

Throughout the long process of finding, buying and moving in I have been praying about this move, there have been a lot of questions about whether this is right and am I doing the right thing?  And prayers that I would use this house to God's glory, to bring his kingdom here, to make people feel welcome and bless others.  Even now I am having doubts about the whole thing: leaving the familiar, even uncomfortable familiarity, is unbelievably hard.  I feel so shook up and strange, sometimes I look around and wonder what I am doing here and when the real owner is going to come home.  On top of this I am beyond exhausted and having to take a couple of days' off to recuperate.  Yet other people are so excited for me, which is lovely, but makes it hard to articulate how I feel at times.  In a way it seems ungrateful: this should be fantastic, instead I feel all mixed up inside.

I am trying to pray, to lean on God, to let him be my stability in rapidly changing times, prayer can be such a challenge sometimes.  He brought me through to here, he will keep being with me, I know he will, even though I feel a bit lost now.  The best way forward I suppose is to try keep praying and to take each day at a time and if that seems too long, take each moment at a time.  It will get easier, right?


  1. Stephanie, yes it will absolutely get easier! I found moving to a new house and a new city a year and a half ago quite traumatic. It was the best thing for my family, but very hard for me. I spent many days and hours feeling a bit numb, tearful, discombobulated, exhausted. I also found praying very challenging, because I felt so ungrounded. One of my most frequent prayers for the first year we were here was "Please heal my heart". I was quite heartbroken having to leave our former home and city behind. But God did heal my heart. One of my vivid memories from our first year here was going to a large supermarket with my husband and realising that it was the first time I had been there and was able to focus my eyes clearly. Every other time I had literally been in a haze of confusion and exhaustion.
    So it absolutely will get easier, step by step. And I'm certain that, as in my case, you will be so glad you went through the hard work of resettling and making a new home. Be kind to yourself. xox

    1. Thank you for your thoughtful comments, I always appreciate them. I am trying to remind myself that this stage will pass and that I will settle. I guess I wasn't expecting this, I was expecting the excitement to carry me through or something? I'm glad that God has healed your heart, I am praying for courage among other things.

    2. Glad if what I wrote was helpful in some way. You have reminded me that I, too, was expecting only to feel relief and excitement at our move. I was very taken aback by the grief involved. As for courage, the cliché is very true: courage doesn't mean not being afraid, it's being afraid and yet going ahead anyhow. The very fact that you have accomplished all that you have is testament to your courage. Be very good to yourself! X

  2. Yes, moving is always difficult, and even more so when you have extra challenges to deal with. You will get there, but just don't try to do too much all at once.

  3. It seems that everything is all set now. Awesome! You seem to have gone through a lot of meticulous preparations, going into that next phase of your life, or shall we say, the next level. That is more than a good thing. In times like that, you only need a good removal service to anchor all those efforts into the finish line that is your new abode. All the best!

    Cathy Schwartz @ Best Rate Removals

  4. It's good to know that you have already moved and settling in nicely on your new house. I'm glad that you're starting to read a lot of things about insurance, as well as its coverages and agreements. Gaining more knowledge about the matter will really be of great help to you. In any way, thanks for sharing that! All the best to you!

    Joshua Duncan