Yet again I'm up late unable to sleep, yet again my brain won't stop thinking alsorts of sad and nasty thoughts that I've carefully stopped myself from thinking about all day. Like how Amy is dead, I had forgotten again and then had to remember all over again, is that normal? How long will this keep happening?
Worries turn up late at night too, while you're trying to fall asleep. I've started thinking about how much worse I feel all the time, or seem to. Whenever I mention this to anyone, whether doctor or non-doctor, I get a fairly similar response along the lines that I am a neurotic hypochondriac (expressed in various different degrees of politeness and directness). But that is how I feel. Eighteen months ago I could do more than I can do now, it's fairly incontrovertable fact, I've looked through my diaries, seen what an average day and an average week was eighteen or so months ago. Back then I was cooking dinner on a regular, almost daily basis for the family, attending church at least every two weeks, going to life group and meeting up with friends at least once a week. I spent less time in bed, less time resting, I could routinely be out for two hours without exceptional payback.
Now I haven't been to church in a year, haven't made it to life group (church small/cell group) since January, can just about heat something ready made up and prepare a couple of vegetables on an occasional basis and I might make it to meet a friend once a week. If I am out for two hours I limp home and feel appalling afterwards, need a lie down or a nap at least three or four times a week just to make it through the day. I am spending far less time using a computer and far more on the sofa.
When's it going to stop? And how can I stop the tide from turning? How can I do anything when no doctor, or even friend, will listen to me? It's not in my head, honestly, despite what the DWP may say.
In terms of mental health I'm probably doing better than eighteen months ago, I still struggle but am better at coping with the struggles. That said I still get very black, very low, hopeless moods.
One of my greatest fears is the ME just getting worse and worse and worse and ending up first house bound, then bed bound and gradually continuing to worsen. I don't fear death even a tiny fraction as much as this, I would rather die than live in a living death and I would hate the burden it would place on my family.
It's bad enough that they're already having to support me right now, 24 and living at home, asking your parents to buy you shampoo, lovely. I also can't bear the thought of a future spent wrestling with the Jobcentre and DWP, constantly being harrassed with forms, interviews, pointless schemes, stress and endless bureaucratic proceedures in a huge faceless system. It becomes the anvil that breaks the camel's back. The way the disabled are treated by these systems is beyond appalling, it is the equivalent of beating people savagely because they have the temerity to become ill or disabled.
Then there's all the smashed, crushed dreams, the pain of seeing contemporaries succeed and enjoy life and being unable to join in, even from the sidelines. We could add to this loneliness, feeling like a paraiah, like you don't belong - especially in the church, where everyone is supposed to be perfect and happy. I feel invisible. When people do see me it is often in the same way that we all feel a morbid curiosity about a road accident and simply have to stare, to see bad things happen to other people and watch vicariously. There's nothing Christians like more than hearing "everything's terrible but the Lord is great" stories; it's often true, it's not God's goodness in bad times I'm casting doubt on, if only we could grasp how much we can be Jesus to one another. We do need one another, just telling someone to rely on God, then walking away, is not a solution.
It's now five past one in the morning and I do feel a bit better for having got these worries out of me and onto the page. Sorry if you're offended by anything I've said, sorry for the self-pity of this post, I'm afraid sometimes you end up in a mood where you can only say how you truly feel, not just be polite and British like usual. Sorry I'm not being as positive as you would like me to be, sometimes I feel like people want me to be positive more for their comfort than for mine. Sometimes the freedom to admit that things are pretty terrible helps a lot, the trick is not to wallow (disclaimer: I have not wallowing 'L-plates' on).
Monday, 27 April 2009
Saturday, 25 April 2009
1am
I can't sleep, my mind is too full of sad thoughts, quiet but insistent, for sleep. Inside I feel very small and sad. I don't quite know quite what else to say.
Just read Psalm 3, I like where it says "the LORD sustains me", not least because I know it is true and so is very comforting.
Just read Psalm 3, I like where it says "the LORD sustains me", not least because I know it is true and so is very comforting.
Thursday, 23 April 2009
The News
Tonight I briefly had the news on while I got a piece of knitting to a good stage to put it down for the night. Following yesterday's budget the discussion was largely about the impact the government's spending plans would have on public services. Quite frankly, as someone who is a user of quite a few NHS services, I found it terrifying. We have been used to twelve years of New Labour lavishing money on the public services; indeed I have grown up with little else. I am painfully aware that any services helping those with chronic or non-emergency conditions are likely to be hit, such as mental health services, which are already struggling.
I was this panicked after about two minutes of the news. However, then I remembered God, remembered that as the song goes, "He's got the whole world in His hands". Our Father owns "the cattle on a thousand hillsides" Psalm 50 and is more than able to look after His children. It is so good to be able to remember this, breathe a deep sigh of relief and thank God.
Of course this does not mean that we will automatically have worldly 'prosperity', or even enough to eat, but it does mean that we will have enough grace for everything that happens. It means that everything will be ok in the end, so I can stop panicking.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6
I was this panicked after about two minutes of the news. However, then I remembered God, remembered that as the song goes, "He's got the whole world in His hands". Our Father owns "the cattle on a thousand hillsides" Psalm 50 and is more than able to look after His children. It is so good to be able to remember this, breathe a deep sigh of relief and thank God.
Of course this does not mean that we will automatically have worldly 'prosperity', or even enough to eat, but it does mean that we will have enough grace for everything that happens. It means that everything will be ok in the end, so I can stop panicking.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
Mornings
Why am I so very awful in the mornings? Last night I went to bed rejoicing in God and His goodness: I woke up feeling like a grumpy half-dead slug. I felt profoundly depressed, thoroughly ill and awful. Mornings are horrible things, took me til 1pm to feel more alive. I suppose only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
On the plus side today was the first day in ages that I got to after lunchtime and didn't feel so dead I simply had to go to bed for a nap. That's something.
On the plus side today was the first day in ages that I got to after lunchtime and didn't feel so dead I simply had to go to bed for a nap. That's something.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Kids' books
Last week I popped into Wesley Owen to see if there were any good childrens' books for a certain young man's first birthday present and although I didn't buy anything for him I did get myself something. A children's book entitled "What happens when we die?" (I think they got the decimal point in the wrong place on their website because I paid £1.50! It's also on amazon ). I'd looked in the adult section for stuff on grief but what they had didn't seem relevant. I'm not up for a long winded treatise, my purchase fitted the bill perfectly.
Although aimed at small children this book explained things gently and truthfully, about why we die, why Jesus came and the difference He has made to death and how we will all live again if we trust in Him. It wasn't wishy-washy stuff, the sort of false rubbish people will often say after someone's died; it was all based on the Bible, explaining what the Bible has to say and gives references to where it says it.
There is a lot of, well let's call a spade a spade, rubbish talked after someone dies. Lots of euphemisms - some people won't even say "die", which I suppose I can understand, but I don't find it helpful. As Dumbledore says in one of the Harry Potter novels (the first? afficiandos can fill me in I'm sure), "fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself". Death for anyone who puts their trust in Jesus is going home, it's going somewhere better than where we are now. There's a lot of unknown about it and the unknown can be very scary, but I know Jesus knows me better than I do and if He says I'll be happy and at home there, then I'll take His word for that, or try to.
God's made some awesome promises about when we're with Him, take this one from Psalm 16:
"You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
Filled with joy... in God's presence... eternal pleasures... at His right hand - so right next to God, in the place of honour, me, but not because of what I have done, rather what Jesus has done. (Also check out Psalm 84, it's amazing, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere" and yet we get to spend eternity in God's courts, in His house, in the best place there is.) The Bible's promises are staggering... beyond what we can understand.
Psalm 84 has also reminded me that we are just pilgrims here:
"Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
Selah
Although aimed at small children this book explained things gently and truthfully, about why we die, why Jesus came and the difference He has made to death and how we will all live again if we trust in Him. It wasn't wishy-washy stuff, the sort of false rubbish people will often say after someone's died; it was all based on the Bible, explaining what the Bible has to say and gives references to where it says it.
There is a lot of, well let's call a spade a spade, rubbish talked after someone dies. Lots of euphemisms - some people won't even say "die", which I suppose I can understand, but I don't find it helpful. As Dumbledore says in one of the Harry Potter novels (the first? afficiandos can fill me in I'm sure), "fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself". Death for anyone who puts their trust in Jesus is going home, it's going somewhere better than where we are now. There's a lot of unknown about it and the unknown can be very scary, but I know Jesus knows me better than I do and if He says I'll be happy and at home there, then I'll take His word for that, or try to.
God's made some awesome promises about when we're with Him, take this one from Psalm 16:
"You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
Filled with joy... in God's presence... eternal pleasures... at His right hand - so right next to God, in the place of honour, me, but not because of what I have done, rather what Jesus has done. (Also check out Psalm 84, it's amazing, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere" and yet we get to spend eternity in God's courts, in His house, in the best place there is.) The Bible's promises are staggering... beyond what we can understand.
Psalm 84 has also reminded me that we are just pilgrims here:
"Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
Selah
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion."
Those who are in God's house are the first blessed, those who are already home. Then those who are still on the journey through the valley, going "from strength to strength", our destination appearing "before God in Zion". Whatever happens Jesus will make it ok and more than ok, Father help me to take heart and to remember your promises.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Life to the full?
Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10.10)
It's a statement I have struggled with, at times even got angry and bitter about it, what do you mean "life... to the full"? Are you serious Jesus? It makes no sense? How can my life be "life... to the full"? I'm so frustrated, so bored, my life lacks any kind of excitement - the nearest it gets is old 'Flintstones' cartoons being on BBC2 in the mornings.
What does "life... to the full" mean to you? To me it has conjured up images of the lives I see many of my contemporaries leading - the life I expected, with a career, friends, a nice place to live, independence, energy, fun, parties, holidays, success. And yes, I get jealous when I see contemporaries and others enjoying these things; I'm only human after all.
The vicar quoted this verse at Amy's funeral and it got me thinking about it again and I realised that Amy lived life to the full. Anyone who knew her would say that, the amount of love present at her funeral spoke volumes about it. Yet she had lost many of the same things as I have, pretty much all of them and she lived life to the full.
So what does it mean to "have life, and have it to the full"? I was in serious error when I equated this to material and temporary things like success, parties, careers and holidays. Jesus completely overturns what is important and what isn't, through everything He did in His life and most especially in His death and resurrection. Where we spend eternity is far more important than what we do now, lovely as worldly success is (and I'm not saying that it is a bad thing in any way), it doesn't ultimately matter. Having life to the full is about Jesus first and foremost and about walking with Him. In this passage Jesus is talking about which gate we go through and whether we go with the 'good shepherd' (i.e. him) or the robber: whether we choose Jesus or the world. So far as I can understand at present having "life... to the full" is about living with Jesus and our relationship with Him and the future glory that awaits us, whether that includes suffering or not.
One thing I have only now noticed is that it is "have life... to the full", not "live life... to the full", I certainly cannot say that I live life to the full, but I can say that Jesus has given me (and therefore I have) "life... to the full". This is a great comfort to me because a lot of the time my life feels very empty and pointless, like I'm going nowhere and have little hope. That's why I am so glad of Jesus and the hope He brings and the future He promises, for me and Amy and all those who put their trust in Him.
It's a statement I have struggled with, at times even got angry and bitter about it, what do you mean "life... to the full"? Are you serious Jesus? It makes no sense? How can my life be "life... to the full"? I'm so frustrated, so bored, my life lacks any kind of excitement - the nearest it gets is old 'Flintstones' cartoons being on BBC2 in the mornings.
What does "life... to the full" mean to you? To me it has conjured up images of the lives I see many of my contemporaries leading - the life I expected, with a career, friends, a nice place to live, independence, energy, fun, parties, holidays, success. And yes, I get jealous when I see contemporaries and others enjoying these things; I'm only human after all.
The vicar quoted this verse at Amy's funeral and it got me thinking about it again and I realised that Amy lived life to the full. Anyone who knew her would say that, the amount of love present at her funeral spoke volumes about it. Yet she had lost many of the same things as I have, pretty much all of them and she lived life to the full.
So what does it mean to "have life, and have it to the full"? I was in serious error when I equated this to material and temporary things like success, parties, careers and holidays. Jesus completely overturns what is important and what isn't, through everything He did in His life and most especially in His death and resurrection. Where we spend eternity is far more important than what we do now, lovely as worldly success is (and I'm not saying that it is a bad thing in any way), it doesn't ultimately matter. Having life to the full is about Jesus first and foremost and about walking with Him. In this passage Jesus is talking about which gate we go through and whether we go with the 'good shepherd' (i.e. him) or the robber: whether we choose Jesus or the world. So far as I can understand at present having "life... to the full" is about living with Jesus and our relationship with Him and the future glory that awaits us, whether that includes suffering or not.
One thing I have only now noticed is that it is "have life... to the full", not "live life... to the full", I certainly cannot say that I live life to the full, but I can say that Jesus has given me (and therefore I have) "life... to the full". This is a great comfort to me because a lot of the time my life feels very empty and pointless, like I'm going nowhere and have little hope. That's why I am so glad of Jesus and the hope He brings and the future He promises, for me and Amy and all those who put their trust in Him.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Yarn wishlist
Been daydreaming about yarn I'd love to knit with... I've heard good things about Manos del Uruguay the colours and textures look amazing
I love Colinette yarns especially Jitterbug - I'm currently making socks out of the Mardi Gras colourway, but I'd love to use more of the colourways, particularly fond of "Salty Dog". Colinette's website is one I visit to cheer myself up and feast my eyes on colour. There are at least a dozen different shades I would love to use, probably for socks because Jitterbug just feels so divine.
Fyberspates yarn is incredible too, would love to use the Blue Faced Leicester (breed of sheep) dk or aran weight in teal for a jumper, just need a suitable pattern. I'm not feeling particularly inspired by any I'm seeing right now.
Socktopus sell Dream in Color Smooshy and lots of other gorgeous, gorgeous sock yarns, well worth having a good look around. They also sell Cariad yarns (related to Posh yarn - very gorgeous if you're fast enough to buy any and your budget can cope) which are gorgeous too, again the use of colour is stunning.
Will continue this later...
I love Colinette yarns especially Jitterbug - I'm currently making socks out of the Mardi Gras colourway, but I'd love to use more of the colourways, particularly fond of "Salty Dog". Colinette's website is one I visit to cheer myself up and feast my eyes on colour. There are at least a dozen different shades I would love to use, probably for socks because Jitterbug just feels so divine.
Fyberspates yarn is incredible too, would love to use the Blue Faced Leicester (breed of sheep) dk or aran weight in teal for a jumper, just need a suitable pattern. I'm not feeling particularly inspired by any I'm seeing right now.
Socktopus sell Dream in Color Smooshy and lots of other gorgeous, gorgeous sock yarns, well worth having a good look around. They also sell Cariad yarns (related to Posh yarn - very gorgeous if you're fast enough to buy any and your budget can cope) which are gorgeous too, again the use of colour is stunning.
Will continue this later...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)