Thursday, 9 July 2009

Why should having a great evening make me feel down? How does that work? There's certainly no logic that I can recognise in it. I love being among people, in a warm, living, laughing, talking group of people. You can see why Jesus loved to sit down and eat with people, sharing, talking, conviviality, belonging, however briefly. It's very redolent of both his humanity and his divinity.

For me it's a rare occurrence. Aside from going to knitting group I've not seen anyone outside my family in a while, partly my own fault, I've not initiated any contact, partly circumstances - by the time I've finished dealing with my parents on a daily basis I don't have much "social" energy left; I simply want to be by myself and away from the world. I have a strong inner-hermit. Also lovely though it is to be invited to events such as bbqs I don't have the energy and that's that really. Not a lot you can do about it.

All this is on my mind because on Saturday two dear friends are getting married and although invited I'm not able to be there. This cuts me up inside. I know if I went I'd just be a nuisance (who wants a sick person who can't keep up and is tired all the time at their wedding?!), feel like the spectre at the feast and be so so sick both then and afterwards from overdoing it. I simply can't go and that's life, but it still hurts. My plan for dealing with this day had been to ask Amy if she wanted to do something, to be occupied instead of moping. But that can't happen for obvious reasons. It was her birthday last Sunday, made me very sad.

Re-reading some of my diaries I realised how much Amy and I saw of one another, she's mentioned almost daily in the time leading up to last Christmas, either seeing one another, or speaking to one another or something that she was doing that day.

On top of this I'm finding my mother very stressful right now, even to be around. She hasn't been managing her health well and I find that very frustrating, particularly as she then moans about the situation she's created. She has a strong vein of melodrama running through her that spills out into every circumstance at all times of day. Even things that should be simple, like making some lunch, can become long, drawn out and stressful. I need a way to cope with her. And with the anger inside me, pent up frustration, fury...

Then there's all the confusion around my own health, bizarre blood test results, inflamed joints and doctors' appointments. I don't know if anything will come of any of it, in a way it's raising my hopes that we might find something that we can do something about and in another way leaving me plagued with fears and anxieties. No matter how hard one tries they still escape to haunt you occasionally, keeping the lid on the box is next to impossible.

I'm trying to trust Jesus. I know God knows what He has planned for me. I know that in the end it will be ok. I know that He will never leave me. But from here it all looks fairly bleak, empty, pointless even. What point is there to my life right now? What am I supposed to be doing?

Been listening to "Always" by Building 429, would recommend it
The chorus goes:

"But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always"

I know this, I want to trust Him, I want to walk with Him, take up my cross and follow Him, but I'm struggling.

1 comment:

  1. I think sometimes the sad days after the really good days come because we realise how much we miss the good days the rest of the time. In a way it emphasises the things that we lack and desire so greatly in our lives. It's okay hunni, the reality of life is just demonstrated more starkly in our lives.

    I am so sorry about Amy, I know how much you miss her and how much of a gap she has left in your life. I am glad that you are able to write about her here and express your pain at her loss.

    I am praying for you and thinking of you.

    Love Tel xo