Tuesday, 1 February 2011

An inauspicious start to February

Today I reached the point in the crash from going out for dinner on Saturday night with some church friends where I was wishing I'd not gone. At the time I did enjoy myself and was pleased I'd overcome the anxiety about it sufficiently to go, though the meal went on for longer than I expected and involved all the usual stressors like noise and uncomfortable chairs. Now I'm utterly fed up, with it always being the same story, with always having to pay so heavily for so little fun, with myself for letting it get me down, with the world for there being so little sympathy or kindness in it, with myself again for feeling sorry for myself... I could go on, but I won't bore us all to tears.

To compound matters I got stressed about a discussion I was having with some others about sickness, work and whether one should just "tough it out" or stop. It's an area in which I am incredibly sensitive; I loathe that I can't work, I feel guilty about it, all the things I wanted to achieve that are not happening and that may never happen. I tried the "toughing it out" or "pushing myself" approach and did myself terrible damage. So getting into a discussion on the topic on a day when I already felt awful and low, was not the wisest decision. Getting into this discussion on-line, where all nuance of voice, expression and body language - was an even worse decision. Naturally being very physically stressed and unable to relax lead to the inevitable migraine. Mercifully the migraine tablet (once located, in the waste paper basket, to which I had consigned the box thinking it was the empty one), worked its miracle and I feel largely better except for the usual weird aching joints that accompanies them.

So what to learn from this catalogue of misadventure? Not to get into argumentative discussions because I simply do not have the strength to deal with them. To try not to be so over sensitive to every nuance of what someone is saying. That everyone is different, every situation is different, therefore what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. That I still have a lot of things I need to straighten out. That no person is utterly reliable and that Jesus is still very much the one to turn to and cling to and trust. All the storms of this life seem to blow me in His direction, thankfully. Therefore repentance and receiving His forgiveness, love and understanding awaits and I'll try to learn from my mistakes.

Phew, quite a lot of moaning there, sorry. Got to "talk" to someone though and it has helped getting my thoughts in some sort of order and out of my head, instead of buzzing around inside. I'm going to listen to Ed Reardon's Week now, his curmudgeonly grumpiness will be just right to help me relax before bed!


  1. The people I've come across from the "just tough it out" school always seem to be fortunate enough never to have experienced any serious illness, either in themselves or their families. So I'm trying to remember that next time I get annoyed with them!

  2. Toughing it out is what makes you worse, according to our local (NHS) CFS clinic. The trick is supposed to be pacing and deep relaxation. Allegedly!

    I found that the B12 injections they offered me helped a lot and I'm having them weekly still. I'm having a rough patch and wondering how I'll cope with my son's wedding next month but there's no point worrying about it. If need be I'll overdose on caffeine and pay for it afterwards.

    Oh, and I met you on Ravelry, in case you wonder where I appeared from!

  3. I think you need to try and totally relax (which includes not worrying about whether you should be relaxing or what other people think about it). IMHO you need to be properly rested and strong before you start putting yourself under any stress. If you're feeling well you'll enjoy it... if not you'll only make yourself worse... so give yourself a break :-) I hope you're feeling better soon and glad you find comfort in your faith.

  4. Thank you for the words of wisdom everyone, very much appreciated.