I have improved over time, I can now think beyond the next minute, beyond the next hour, beyond the next week, sometimes even beyond the next month or months without being gripped by terror, slowly I have regained the future. But I still feel as though I am surviving, not living and at present I am wrestling with how to live, how my future should look, what I should do with what I have and what I do not have. It is an unsettling process, stirring me up inside, a hard process after such a long time of simply not wanting to be alive. I am trying to accept life.
The worst thing about the fear is the feeling that I have failed God, my loving Father, He has said time and time again “Do not fear, do not be afraid”, and yet... somehow I cannot trust Him. I feel ashamed and hate my lack of trust and faith, my failure to obey, to believe that He is sovereign and knows my future (Psalm 139) and that He will never leave me (Hebrews 13).
In the light of this failure I find the prayer in Mark 9.24 a help and a heart's cry, “I believe; help my unbelief!”. God is gracious and there have been times in the middle of the terror and panic when He has been so close and has calmed me, at least my fear keeps me coming to Him for help.
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. Forgive my lack of trust and help my trust in you to grow as I come to you in the storms. Be with me, strengthen my feeble knees and weak hands, be with me in the fear and help me to overcome. Be with those who also fear. Amen
"Jesus said... “Do not fear, only believe,” Mark 5.36