Tuesday, 23 July 2013

On fear

Although I have heard the promises such as “if our God is for us, who can be against us” and others of its ilk, I still find the world a terrifying place.  I feel plagued by fear, surrounded by it, caught up in it.  The thought of the long-term future fills me with such panic, of course we do not know what will happen, but sometimes we need to take decisions or do some sort of planning for the future and I find it almost unbearable.

I have improved over time, I can now think beyond the next minute, beyond the next hour, beyond the next week, sometimes even beyond the next month or months without being gripped by terror, slowly I have regained the future.  But I still feel as though I am surviving, not living and at present I am wrestling with how to live, how my future should look, what I should do with what I have and what I do not have.  It is an unsettling process, stirring me up inside, a hard process after such a long time of simply not wanting to be alive.  I am trying to accept life.

The worst thing about the fear is the feeling that I have failed God, my loving Father, He has said time and time again “Do not fear, do not be afraid”, and yet... somehow I cannot trust Him.  I feel ashamed and hate my lack of trust and faith, my failure to obey, to believe that He is sovereign and knows my future (Psalm 139) and that He will never leave me (Hebrews 13).

In the light of this failure I find the prayer in Mark 9.24 a help and a heart's cry, “I believe; help my unbelief!”.  God is gracious and there have been times in the middle of the terror and panic when He has been so close and has calmed me, at least my fear keeps me coming to Him for help.

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.  Forgive my lack of trust and help my trust in you to grow as I come to you in the storms.  Be with me, strengthen my feeble knees and weak hands, be with me in the fear and help me to overcome.  Be with those who also fear.  Amen

"Jesus said... “Do not fear, only believe,” Mark 5.36


  1. There are many days when I have shared these feelings! It is the hardest thing in the world, in my experience, to *really* trust, i.e. to let go of the illusion of control. As far as the future goes, the one thing I can say for sure is that no matter how many variations of future events I can imagine, what actually happens is rarely amongst them. But I have prayed "help thou my unbelief" so very, very often!

    We're only human.

  2. Thank you, that's a good reminder and thank you so so much for sharing your experiences. I wanted to share too partly in case it helped someone else to feel that they could say how they felt.

    Thank you!

  3. Sorry to contact you this way but I’m not sure I have any other contact details. I’m doing so in order to pass on from my Dad his very great thanks to you for your kind donation and support through “Falling from the Sky”. This was very kind and I'm so grateful to you and others that we have seen a total of more than £6,000 going to the CF Trust. He has changed things on the giving page now - including a link to a video of the jump: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/DavidPField THANK YOU again for your kind gift.

    Thank you also for this post. I love 'at least my fear keeps me coming to Him for help.' I find that to be so true! Fear can be such a gift when it means that we get to know God better. :)

    With love,

    Ruth x

  4. You're very welcome, it's a good cause, it's annoying that blogs don't come with private messaging sections, I'll have to see what I can do short of giving out my email address... Your dad has done so well and that's a fantastic amount to have raised.

    I hadn't thought of it as a gift, thank you for that perspective.

    with love

    Stephanie x

    p.s. also messaged you on facebook, hope that's ok