Amy's funeral was today: both a wonderful and a terrible occasion. I cried buckets, wasn't meaning to fuss, just couldn't help myself. It's a terrible thing to see your best friend's coffin. On the whole I liked the send off for Amy, the speakers captured Amy. However, it wasn't a terribly hopeful occasion and really, for any of the Christians certainly, it should have been. Amy isn't gone forever, she's alive forever. She's not dead, she is asleep with Christ, Paul rates what has happened to Amy as far better than being 'alive', here on earth, though not as good as being alive at the second coming (2 Corinthians 5). We'll meet again, when Amy is well, when I am well and we'll see Jesus face to face and be home at last.
I'm trying to keep some hope, at least that one day I'll be home. Meanwhile I continue to walk "through the wilderness of this world" (Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan) and the grief is terrible, it comes in great engulfing waves, threatening to smash everything in its path. The wilderness looks a lot more wild without Amy, but Jesus is still here. Just got to go on trying to trust I suppose.
Someone today said that Amy's life really was "life to the full" like Jesus had promised, made me realise I hadn't understood what Jesus was on about. Living life to the full is evidently a hard road, what in this being a Christian lark isn't? How didn't I twig that one?
To be utterly open, on an online blog that no one reads (great place for me to choose? I'm no good at talking), I'm feeling fairly ready to give up now: so tired, so smashed to pieces, bashed about by life, worn and ground down. It feels like everyone expects me to keep plodding on and on but I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore. Sometimes being seen as 'strong' is a right nuisance, you never get a break. I've got distant hope, but how to hope now? How do I keep going from here?
footnote: have found John Piper's sermons on "What happens when we die" helpful http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/BySeries/74/ (though I admit I've only read the first couple)
*huggles* I hope you are okay with me commenting, I NEVER want to stop you from being able to be 100% honest on here, this is completely your space for all your thoughts. I will never ever expect anything from you on here except YOU in your depth and honesty.
ReplyDeleteHunni, I don't want you to give up, I don't want you to die. But perhaps, stopping the fighting for a little bit isn't a hugely bad idea? You need to have time to grieve hunni, to throw temper tantrums, to be quiet. Life is hard for you and right now it just seems impossible. I am not expecting anything from you, I am not expecting you to hold it together, I'm not even expecting you to necessarily wake the following day... I actually have NO idea what to expect from you...but know that no matter what happens, I love you and value your life and friendship greatly.
Love Telly xo