So today I've been pretty brain fogged and muddling up alsorts of things, to varying degrees of embarrassment. Front runners have to be confusing the amount discounted with the amount the yarn cost in a yarn store (thankfully online and via email - the wonderful Loop for those interested) and going to meet my friends at the wrong pub. Thankfully the correct pub was only a short walk away and Victoria helped sort me out. Time for more omega-3 oil!
Pub was a bit of a strain, it was noisy and cramped with chairs that made my legs ache horribly. Sitting on a chair shouldn't hurt, it just shouldn't. Hmm I should quit moaning really, it could be worse. But also talking to people I haven't seen in a while, well that's always difficult, especially when 'stuff' has happened. You just can't explain how you truly are in a noisy pub and I couldn't bring myself to talk about Amy there, it was just too much. Even in a quiet suitable environment the problems are twofold.
Firstly there is getting across how you are, finding words adequate to explain: trying to sort out the quagmire of confusion in your brain and make it into words and sentences. Then secondly there is the problem of their reaction, of going too far and producing profound shock. If you consistently downplay how bad things are, which I do, a lot, because it is simply easier, then when someone learns how things actually are they can react badly and find it hard to deal with. Another frustration is going through the painful process of finding words and bareing your soul, only for the person or people who have asked and pressed to know, to do nothing. To murmur things, make the odd unhelpful suggestion, pray some no doubt well intentioned prayer and then do nothing. The conversation or meeting or group or service will end, we'll all go home and nothing changes, the concern apparently melts away.
What's the point of asking someone how they are, and pressing them to tell you, learning that they are in pain (physically/emotionally/spiritually) and then walking away and doing nothing? Not even sending a text message or email or popping in to say hello or meeting up for twenty minutes, just maintaining radio silence until the next time. It's like going up to the man beaten on the road to Samaria and asking him how he feels, which bits hurt, how what has happened to him has made him feel, looking concerned, then crossing over to the other side and walking on. Masqueraded concern.
I know the church finds people like me hard to deal with, not healed, not getting better, not walking in triumphant victory, struggling this month and last month and this time last year. And if you find it boring, think how I feel?! I also know that this whole issue makes me very angry and that some of that is bad, nasty, bitter anger at how I am treated (or feel I am treated - I am aware that sometimes I don't see things quite right, depression does that unfortunately), it's not the good, powerful, righteous anger, like Jesus in the temple, that can be a power for enormous good. That's something I know I need to sort out, I talk to God about it, I repent, I'm repenting again now. Therefore I'm aware that some or maybe a lot of that anger is most likely coming through in this post and this blog and that I'm saying some hard things and that it might seem quite, I don't know, offensive? But I'm hurting so, so much, pain builds up on pain, life seems so black, I feel so alone and Jesus the only light left.
Relying on God is great, it is what I should be doing, I am doing my best. But as I've said before, we all need one another, Adam alone was not good, the Bible says it, go look at the beginning of Genesis. Even though he had perfect communion with God. So for we who have less than perfect communion with God helping one another becomes even more important.