Saturday, 6 June 2009

Seriously though, is it something about me? Is it me doing something wrong? Or thinking wrong or something? Is that why in the past 2-3 years my life has just been constantly hard, difficult, apparently simply one thing after another going wrong? Am I not thinking right? Not positive enough? Not the right sort of faith? Not any faith at all?!

It's such a cliche, but why? Why do I watch other people enjoy themselves and have lovely things happen while I have crap and crap and crap and crap? Why can't my knees get better instead of hurting more and more and more and feeling more and more damaged? And why will doctors never believe what you are saying or listen??? How hard is it to listen? And why always assume your patient is lying? Or neurotic? When are they going to listen?

And what do I say to people? People say who knew me at university, who seemed bored enough of me and all my problems then, people I know at the church I supposedly belong to, when I don't get better, keep saying I'm feeling worse. I'm not deliberately being ill, being difficult, being in pain, feeling like I'm getting worse, really, honestly. It's not a confidence trick, it's not me being work shy, it's not that I like being difficult, I'm not attention seeking, honestly. I don't want to be like this, I want to be well, I want to be able to fulfill dreams, follow Jesus energetically, dance, sing, jump, go on holiday, see my friends, help other people, be young.

That's one of the things that gets me, not feeling young, not doing any young people things. At 11.30 on a Saturday evening I should be out partying, not in creaking down the stairs to fill my hot water bottles and listening to radio 4. Or at a gig, or on holiday, or camping or away for the weekend or any one of a great number of more exciting possibilities.

I'm sick of this and the worst thing is none of it shows any signs of going away, if anything it's getting worse. And there aren't any answers, no magic wands, no fairy godmothers. Just blind trust in a man who lived 2000 years ago, because with Simon Peter all I can say is "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

"yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior." Habakkuk 3.17-8

No comments:

Post a Comment