Thursday, 4 June 2009

Talking too much

This evening at Life Group (what cell group or church small group is called at our church) I noticed myself talking far too much and at inappropriate moments - like when about to start praying etc. It felt so good finally to be among people and to have someone to talk to, that I couldn't stop! There are so many things I think or notice every day that I don't have anyone to share with, or there's just Mum and Dad here and they already know or wouldn't be interested.

This tendancy not to know when to stop talking and talking is something I have occasionally noticed in others, generally in lonely people; it hurts my pride to admit it, but I am one of them. I get horribly lonely, especially since Amy went, since a lot of my random chatter was done with her.

Why is loneliness so hard to own up to? Partly I suspect to do with perception, lonely people are "sad", "needy", regarded as a nusiance. Sometimes I think our attitude is that if you are lonely you have only yourself to blame, you should get off your backside and go find some people to be with, join a group, take up a 'hobby', change, become more interesting, make yourself popular. But the reality is more complicated, even if you make all the effort in the world and see lots of people you can still feel lonely because among all these people no one understands how you feel or what is happening. Illness can cause immense loneliness by robbing you of the ability to get out there and meet people, sometimes making seeing people intensely draining and even unbearably painful.

I'm sure I had another point to make, but I've forgotten it. - ah remembered - Loneliness isn't "cool", it is "sad", doesn't carry much "street cred". (too tired to continue editing now, will come back tomorrow) However, one thing I don't want to become is someone with really bad social skills who doesn't know when to shut her big mouth. So there's one to work on.

In other news, my sister finished her exams, go her! I've been watching Ivor the Engine, which although designed for people over twenty years younger than me, is amazing and great fun. I definitely recommend children's tv for when down, tired or bored, or just for when looking for something to do! Anyhow, bedtime, tomorrow I really need to do some thinking about appealing for benefits. I've been not thinking about it, it feels so overwhelming and I'm so tired and so sick of having to fight and defend myself.

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