First off, today has been a rather bad day for missing Amy. Had some bad dreams last night about her funeral, only not the one that actually happened, some other one, it was all very muddled and muddling. Some days I can't believe ever had a friend like Amy, a friendship that fantastic and I think "what did I ever have to moan about then, how lucky was I? To have a friend like Amy". Though to be fair to myself things were still hard, it's just she made hard times so much more bearable, enjoyable times so much more enjoyable.
Add to this ever increasing illness and debility, how many more diagnoses is it possible for one person to have??? Again to balance this out the heat this week has, for the first time ever, made me feel better, not worse. Moving is so much easier in the warm weather. Whereas any contact with cold (e.g. being near the chiller cabinets in the supermarket, my newly washed hair drying down my back etc.) causes pain. My previous plans for moving to the north of Scotland to avoid hot weather have been shelved and I'm currently mulling over plans to move somewhere hot, preferably with a non-humid heat. This is being weighed up against the fewer opportunities for knitting living in such a place would entail. Such questions, even when deeply hypothetical, are nonetheless important to consider.
Despite feeling a little better for the past few days I am still rather down about general circumstances and all the things that happen that rub my circumstances in still further. Like two of my dear friends who are getting married in a bit over a week. Predictably I'm not well enough to go (nor for that matter do I have the money but that's academic) and as the day approaches I'm feeling fairly down about it. There are loads of people I haven't seen since university who will be at the wedding so I'm not just missing my friends' big day, but a reunion with them too. That in turn reminds me how little I see of anybody and how isolated I feel and on it goes. And yes, before you ask, I am trying not to mope! I may not be succeeding too well, but I'm trying.
Story of my life that is, trying. Trying to cope, trying not to mope (rhyme unintentional), trying to trust Jesus, trying to keep in touch with people, trying to do as much as I can whilst not overdoing it etc. etc.
In other news our fish in the pond are doing well, growing nicely, eating their food with keen appetite. I've been working on a sunhat in gorgeous, gorgeous yarn - Nikkim by Vinni's Colours, bought from Purlescence It's a teals mix, just my perfect colours. Having had a good browse in Waterstones Croydon today I can vouch for the efficacy of their air conditioning, it was lovely. And I was good and didn't buy the dozen or so books I could easily have bought. I managed to wash my hair today, this counts as a major victory and achievement!
I'll finish with a verse from the Bible that I think is rather awesome:
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens" Psalm 68.19
Over and out.
It's so funny (ironic), as I was reading, I was thinking, why am I not missing people as much as I was? because I have substituted loneliness for panic attacks I think! I wonder if anxiety and panic are serving a purpose in my life to stop the loneliness and isolation of this stupid illness? Weird, just random thoguhts though.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're missing Amy so so much :( I know that is normal and to be expected, I just wish that someone else could come along and be there for you in a very real visible way.
Love you xoxo