The Impatient Rester

The exertion of moving house and all the work it has entailed has knocked me for six; it is the worst ME crash in years and my word how impatient I am to be back on my feet!  I am so bored of resting, of aching with tiredness and having to say "no" to things I really want to do.  Days seem to float past, each one much alike and it is hard to keep from getting depressed by the situation.  Now I do know that compared to many people I am incredibly lucky to be able to so much, but somehow that is never enough is it?  I want to be getting stuck into church things, helping out, inviting people over, going places, exploring, making, gardening.  The gap between what I can do and what I want to do is vast, a canyon, so if I say, "yes" to something or suggest doing something, then have to pull out, that is why.  In terms of energy my eyes are bigger than my energy reserves.

I am trying to stay positive, to take each day as it comes, be grateful for what I have, for the peace and chance to recover, but I am human and do not find it easy.  Maybe my calling right now is just to be?

A new arrival is helping make this time of resting bearable, I have adopted a small black cat named Willow from a local shelter.  She is about six, affectionate, determined, funny, sweet and loving.  There is nothing she likes more than a lap for the afternoon, cuddles by the hour and will sit on me in such a way that I cannot do anything else except sit, which for someone who struggles to rest, is invaluable.  I wish I had had a cat years ago, they offer great companionship.  I look forward to getting up now so I can go downstairs to see her.

Perhaps I should write soon about what I have been knitting while I have been resting?  For now it is time to head back to the sofa.

Christian Community and the Sick

When I first heard about the Community of St Anselm, the new community of prayer being established at Lambeth Palace for people aged 20-35 to “spend a year in God's time”, I was terribly excited and ready to sign up right away. I have been increasingly interested in the ideas around community for some years now and the practises of regular prayer through the day, although I have been less successful always in establishing that discipline at home on my own. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity to grow, learn and experience God. Most of all I thought, “imagine not being lonely for a whole year, not being a Christian alone, being with other Christians”. Being sick, unable to work and coming from a non-Christian family has been intensely lonely, both from a general point of view and from a specifically Christian point of view.

But then reality kicked in, the reality that this community needed energetic people, it was there in the language of discipline, rigour, discomfort and hard work. The reality that someone like me would never keep up for a week, let alone a year. The reality that being around people can be draining. The reality that being chronically ill has made me something of a hermit, unable to be around people, too tired to take part in so many things, not a willing hermit, but one because of circumstance.

My natural reaction to this is to be thoroughly fed up at seeing yet another opportunity go out of my reach, being shut out again because I have no energy to be busy and active, feeling useless yet again. Yet although these feelings are valid and need expressing, it does not have to end here does it? So I cannot be part of this community? It does not mean that I and others like me are shut out of all expressions of community?

I hate to think of there being others out there like me, each isolated from the wider church, feeling outside and being unable to connect with one another. Although things are easier now, I have been through times of intense isolation and still feel too isolated from and out of step with other Christians my own age, and I cannot be the only person in a similar situation? Beginning to read Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together has provided a challenging view of community and I have been especially struck by his view that to live in community with our brothers and sisters in Christ is a privilege.

“So between the death of Christ and the Last Day it is only by a gracious anticipation of the last things that Christians are privileged to live in visible fellowship with other Christians. It is by the grace of God that a congregation is permitted to gather visibly in this world to share God's Word and sacrament. Not all Christians receive this blessing. The imprisoned, the sick, the scattered lonely, the proclaimers of the Gospel in heathen lands stand alone. They know that visible fellowship is a blessing. They remember, as the Psalmist did, how they went 'with the multitude... to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday' (Ps. 42.4). But they remain alone in far countries, a scattered seed according to God's will. Yet what is denied them in actual experience they seize upon more fervently in faith.”

So community is not only a privilege, but also a prophetic way of living that foretells the way things will be on the new earth. However, as we are still being remade and are not yet fully perfected, living out this calling is a tremendous challenge as we need to be able to leave behind our own needs, priorities and concerns in order to love one another and live together in harmony. Do the demands that illness make upon my body leave enough energy and strength for this challenge?

In myself certainly no, but in God's grace and with His help who knows what may be possible, always bearing in mind that as things stand I am not healed. Therefore maybe my challenge is to consider other means of living in a degree of community, looking for a way for people like me, who are shut out because of sickness, to come together for fellowship, be it virtual or visible? Prayer is one of the few things you can still do when you have next to no energy, so there is no reason for the sick to be shut out of Archbishop Justin's call to prayer, but the challenge is to find ways of enjoying the privilege and blessing of praying with others. Paradoxically this illness has been the means by which I have learnt to value prayer and to rely on God in prayer, because I have fewer of my own resources. I have learnt that prayer takes incredible perseverance, some days just concentrating enough is a massive struggle and of course there are days when the prayer is the simple, primeval, “help!” and no more. God is gracious and helps me when I ask Him to help me with prayer and reading the Bible. But being able to come together with other Christians daily for prayer continues to be something I dream about.

It seems, therefore, that I will be sitting out the Community of St Anselm, but perhaps it can prompt me to fresh thinking about community and its different forms? And of course I can pray, for the Community itself, for the wider church and that we can find a way for people like me to take part in a community of fellowship and encouragement, virtual and face to face. I have no idea what form this will take or what it will look like, or even if it will happen, but for now I will keep reading, praying, hoping and waiting on God.

The Year in Books: October

This month's reading has been somewhat theological in nature; Surprised by Scripture by Tom Wright, former Bishop of Durham, has particularly stood out.  It is a collection of essays based on talks he has given, mainly in America and makes an excellent introduction to his theology and thinking.  Wright has placed an emphasis on reading the Bible, especially the New Testament, within its own original context and then attempts to relate the Bible to today.  Consequently he looks at the thinking which has led us to see the Bible in a particular way, especially the Reformation and the 18th century Enlightenment and the "surprise" in the title refers to the difference between what we may think the Bible says on a subject and what it truly says.

Although it may sound like a very heavy read its original lecture format has made it more readable and means that each chapter is relatively short.  Wright takes on the enlightenment thinking, particularly the ideas of Epicureanism - that God created the world and then left it to itself for example - and takes these ideas back to the Bible to show that they have little or no biblical basis.  Throughout he does not shrink from taking on difficult subjects such as politics, the environment and the role of women in the church - a chapter I found very freeing as Wright went back into the biblical text and its original context.

One of the biggest surprises of the book so far for me was the chapter entitled, "Jesus is coming - plant a tree!", about heaven and earth, explaining how God is not going to be rescuing us from this wicked earth and spiriting us away to heaven, but that Jesus is coming again to renew the earth.  Therefore he argues that what we do here and now matters for the future, especially how we treat our planet, which is not all bad, although "subject to futility" (Romans 8.20).  At the centre of this chapter is a fresh look at Romans 8.

Durham Cathedral

I cannot recommend this book enough, indeed I have been going around telling everyone to read it!  It is not the quickest read, but worth going through and giving consideration.  Should you wish to try one or two of the chapters before committing to buying chapter six, "9/11, Tsunamis and the New Problem of Evil", is available here, more articles by Tom Wright are available here and there is an interesting interview with Tom Wright here.  Get reading, stretch your brain and be surprised!

You can see the other entries in this month's Year in Books here

Speaking out

For a while now I have been praying that as a church we would be more vocal and speak up for the poor and the dispossessed and those without anyone to speak up for them and now we seem to have a church leader who is doing just that.  The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, seems determined not to keep quiet and to say when something is wrong, to call something exactly what it is, even if it causes him subsequent embarrassment. As a consequence both the media and ordinary people seem to have taken some notice of the church and what it is doing and its purpose for the first time in ages and in the main it is a positive response.

Generally on this blog I do try not to be political because this is not a political blog and because I find politics so extremely stressful and hard to cope with, however, I thought this was worth a mention.  We may be living through difficult and nasty times for many, but perhaps it is also an opportunity for the church to get up and speak out for people and to show care and concern for people in need and by doing so to demonstrate Jesus's love.

Archbishop Justin (calling him that does sound most familiar, I'm sure they would have had none of it in good old Barchester), spoke recently at one of those Christian Glastonbury's, New Wine and his talk is on his website and I cannot recommend it enough.  It is an excellent use for a half hour and it left me feeling inspired and encouraged and challenged all at once.


(picture from Lambeth Palace's flickr account)

I shall continue to pray for the church and for our new Archbishop, that we could be real and relevant and bring love and hope to this country and to the world.  Let us set out, one prayer at a time.

He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
    and to walk humbly with your God?  Micah 6.8 

P.S. If you want to hear some more of what the Archbishop has to say this video interview is also very interesting, though quite why anyone thought they needed dry ice behind them is beyond me!

52 Weeks of Happy - week 6

Six weeks into this 52 weeks of happy, goodness me, never thought I'd last this far.  It has not been a bad week, not too bad anyhow, although I have been struggling to relax and sleep.  I keep meaning to write other blog posts and they keep not happening.  Today I do not feel especially positive, so coming up with four things to be positive about is a good exercise, hopefully it will help my head see that there are positive things going on, help me not to miss them.

1. A kind thought and a great quotation - a kind friend sent me a lovely cotton bag she had got on a weekend away in Sheffield, with the following quotation on it "It is impossible to be angry when looking at a penguin", from of all people, John Ruskin.  I would love to know what the origin is of this statement, I had always associated Mr Ruskin with serious matters, not penguins.  The bag has two rather gorgeous penguins following in one another's footsteps and it put a big smile on my face.  Naturally it already has some knitting in it.



2. Cabin Pressure - the radio 4 show, which each week keeps me in stitches, laughing so hard the whole house can hear, if not next door as well.  John Finnemore is a brilliant writer, mixing wordplay, situation and plain silliness into a superb and closely packed half hour.  Go and listen on iplayer while you can - the last in the series is next Wednesday at 6.30.  I realise now that I should have mentioned this sooner, before the series was nearly over, however, you can catch up with the previous series on audible most reasonably.

3. Continuing promise of spring - the buds on our wild cherry twigs are breaking and gorgeous green leaves emerging, hopefully there will soon be flowers.  They are rather hard to photograph though.



4. Prayer - I would not have made it through the week without prayer, both mine and other people's.  Sometimes it is talking things over, sometimes sitting in peace, with some liturgy in between.  Prayer helps me to keep my stress and anxiety levels manageable, my mood more stable, and helps me and others in so many ways.  I am so grateful to God for this gift and that He cares about us and our daily lives, that He is interested and wants to hear from us, no matter how small or big the problem.  Through prayer God is teaching me to rely on Him and how infinitely gracious He is.  For example, if I cannot find something I try to remember to pray, before tearing the house apart looking, as I find searching for things so tiring and they do generally appear after I have prayed, sometimes almost at once, sometimes a little while later, but they do.  Through watching Him answer prayers on a small scale I find I can learn to trust Him more for the big things.

Prayer also helps me to feel less useless within the church - I may not be able to do much else for my church and for the wider church, but I can pray.  It is so good to have others pray for me too, sometimes it is easier to pray for someone else than it is for yourself and in the past a good friend and I have arranged to pray for one another that day rather than struggle with prayer for ourselves.  I love how God equips us to help one another and love one another.

Time to try to relax and get some sleep now I suppose.

52 Weeks of Happy - week 2

I thought Fridays would be a good day to do these posts in future, so here goes.  Positive thinking here we come!

1. The sun breaking through the clouds, it has been such a relief to see some blue sky and even sunshine today after so long of day after day of grey clouds and a feeling of never having enough light.

I grabbed a shot of this dramatic sky earlier in the week, sorry for the quality, I was using my phone.

2. The scent of hyacinths, no photograph I am afraid, but they smell heavenly.  My aunt sends us a pot of them every year, growing, so hopefully next year we shall be able to enjoy them in the garden.

3. Having a laugh with friends.  I managed to go to my church small group this week and it was lovely to be able to talk and relax and share a joke and realise how blessed I am by this group of people.

4. Knitting socks.  The sparkly socks are finally finished and I even managed to find some sun in which to photograph them.  Before I had finished them I had started the next pair - I hate not having a pair on the go and I needed some easy knitting to take out with me.  The new pair are a fairly ambitious pair of knee highs but in sport weight yarn for speed and cosiness.

I leave you with another photograph of the sparkly socks, they photograph so well and look so special.  I have not yet brought myself to wear them yet!

What I pray my church will be

Recently while praying for my church I scribbled down a list of attributes I pray my church and the church more widely will have and will further develop, suitably enough on the back of an envelope.  Then I lost the envelope for a few weeks'.

As I have now found it again I thought I would post the list here, in the order in which I wrote it down, in the hopes that it would prove helpful to you as you pray for your church and our church.  Of course the list is not comprehensive, but I hope and pray it can be a place to start from.  I dearly love the church, it is a wonderful concept, the body of Christ, a series of loving relationships changing the world, working through the world like yeast through flour, to make all things new.

Let us pray.


What I pray my church will be:

Founded in Christ – our sure foundation

welcoming, open

a window on another world

learning from the past but not bound by it

preaching the Gospel
boasting in Christ crucified

loving

discipling one another

one as He is one

of pure heart

full of joy in Him

a lamp on a lampstand, a city on a hill, shining for all to see

full of peace

fellowship

different

genuine

a place of healing

a place of prayer for all the nations

Amen.

I will leave you with this song I discovered yesterday, which is a tremendous encouragement to pray.

Homemade and Handmade

I was extremely excited this morning to receive a disproportionately huge jiffy bag containing my pre-order of Rend Collective Experiment's new album Homemade Worship by Handmade People. I have been looking forward to this album's release for weeks and had listened to the first single released over and again.

As well as excellent, inventive and interesting music and lyrics, which take them well outside the usual Christian worship music, I love Rend Collective's ethos and ideas. They are trying to do things differently, they recorded all the music on the album in their homes and they are trying to live in community and embrace the family aspects of being the church and the body of Christ here on earth. Some of these ideas link into the general craft sub-culture that interests me and the move away from the mass produced towards things made with love and skill. The album's reference to "handmade people" then reminds us that each of us was handmade by God:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139

The songs reflect this, exploring themes around surrender, the cross, redemption, forgiveness, God's kingdom coming here on earth and bringing change to us and to the world. Messages we so sorely need in this world, hope and the idea that things can be different. I love the language of God re-crafting us into redeemed people, as the first single, Second Chance, puts it:

"Countless second chances

We've been given at the cross

"Fragments of brokenness

Salvaged by the art of grace

You craft

Life from my mistakes"

The Bible says that we are made in God's image and so just as God is creative, so we are creative. So that just as our earthly love is just a shadow of God's all encompassing love, our craft, our up-cycling and reusing and creating is a shadow of God's ongoing work of recreation through Jesus and a reflection of Him in us and us in Him.

On the whole the music is "louder" and less intimate than some of the songs on their first album, the Organic Family Hymnal. Walking to knitting group today the music was making me tap my toe while waiting at the pedestrian crossings, however, I did manage not to sing along out loud in public! Anyhow I am going to go back to listening to my new CD and get on with my creating (my Peaks Island Hood at present), while I sing along and pray for God's kingdom here on earth.

Mustard Seeds

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17.20

This week I have mainly been listening to a new album called Mustard Seeds, which is extremely awesome. Click on that link, get listening then read on!

At this point I should probably declare that I know the musician behind the album from university, I liked his music then and I like it now. The songs are both musically and lyrically strong and musically more interesting than a lot of the Christian music on the market, which can all sound rather homogeneous. Musically the songs are at times resonant of Nick Drake, at other times calling to mind church music of a more traditional and even ancient kind - harmonies hinting at cathedrals filled with Gregorian chant. The sound and scale of the album is quiet and intimate, allowing you to draw near to God and spend precious time in His presence, yet would also work in a more corporate setting. In the lyrics are some great promises and some great prayers, for example,

May your grace reform this church from a crowd of sinners to a holy loving force with your pow'r within us. May we yearn to serve and may we love with fervent hearts by grace restored.

Such a fabulous picture of what the church is and is becoming (from Designer, Refiner).

Rather than attempt to review the whole album I will just focus on the last song, To the God of the Broken Ones which has resonated with me and my life hugely.

To the God of the broken ones,
To the God where all hope comes from,
We sing come heal us, come heal us

To the God who is always there,
To the God who heals ev'ry prayer,
We sing come heal us, come heal us

Ever loving, ever Lord.
Ever faithful, ever more.
Ever gentle, ever sure.
I'm ever thankful, ever yours

To the God of unending hope,
To the God who calls us his own,
We sing come heal us, come heal us

To the God who will never change,
To the God who knows ev'ry pain,
We sing come heal us, come heal us

Ever loving, ever Lord.
Ever faithful, ever more.
Ever gentle, ever sure.
I'm ever thankful, ever yours

I love the rich promises and truths about who our God is that are contained within this song: truths that I can't hear too often, especially as it is such truths that help combat the lies of depression. My favourite of these promises and truths is "the God of unending hope" (which is really both a truth and a promise). In the midst of the storms of life it is so easy to forget that ultimately our hope lies in God himself and that He never changes, never leaves us, always loves us. This is a song that I sing as a prayer for my own life, as well as more generally for the church and the world. Moreover it is song that you can sing from wherever you happen to be, whether things are going well or whether nothing is going well, "yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my saviour" (Habbakuk 3). As someone who frequently feels like nothing is going right I truly value such songs that help me to worship despite my circumstances, because the truth is God is always good and I need more of the truth.

I have found this album cheering, uplifting, calming, comforting and inspiring; I pray you do too.

The anchor of my soul

A few weeks ago I watched a sermon DVD by Louie Giglio lent me by my lovely friend Becca and in it he was talking about how Jesus is the anchor of our soul (Hebrews 6). As he was talking about this I looked down at my knitting, sitting untouched on the sofa beside me, and the anchors worked in fair isle in the scarf I was knitting caught my eye. That 'God-incidence' made me smile, especially as the anchor motif and its surrounding peeries had caused me more trouble than any of the others put together.

Over the past few weeks, which have been full of ups and downs (mainly in my mood) and felt turbulent and difficult, I can really say that although I feel like I am thoroughly at sea, Jesus really is the anchor of my soul. Throughout, no matter how difficult things have been, no matter how horrible I've felt or how angry I've been towards God over the past few weeks, He has never let me down or left me alone or abandoned me.

"When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

"Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever" Psalm 73.21-6

He is always there, always with me, always patient, always loving, always kind, always ready to listen, utterly reliable. He answers prayers, He does not leave me, does not grow short of patience, even when I run out of patience with myself! He is true, faithful, unchanging, unshifting in a world full of shifting shadows. I can see why the Psalmists so often called Him "my rock".

Don't assume from this that everything is absolutely fine and sorted in my life, it isn't, not by such a long way. I'm still ill, still depressed at times, though my moods are gradually regaining some sort of stability. I still get scared for the future and anxious and bored now; I still feel terribly sad that I can't be at church. But somehow Jesus brings into this situation, when I allow Him, inexpressible love, utter forgiveness, complete acceptance of me the way I am, comfort and some glimmer of hope: a promise that things won't always be this way and I know that He keeps His promises. I suppose that's what faith is?

Of course there are times when I don't feel this way, when I don't feel remotely positive and praying feels like beating my fists against a brick wall and I feel a million miles away from God. But these are only feelings and hopefully by writing down the truth and by reading the treasury of truth - the Bible - I can remind myself of this, remind myself of the facts.

"Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 6.17-20

News from another world

Tonight I achieved my dearly held wish to make it to church for at least part of the prayer week. I'd forgotten how big our church building is - it has magnificent wooden roof beams on a scale that would today be prohibitively expensive.

God was deliciously, gloriously close and I really felt His love and Him with me, especially during the singing and the time of corporate prayer. Though I'm not sure I really know how to worship with others any more, it felt a bit strange, I suppose just from lack of practice, I'm not used to other people being there too.

I suppose I'm feeling so down and flat now because for a while I dared to dream and be part of another world that I don't usually have much contact with, then I got home and realised that I still wasn't part of that world and everything is still the same. It is like when you watch a movie and get caught up in the world of that movie; then it ends and you come back down to earth. For a while this evening, before fatigue, fever, panic and the tiles on the chancel floor making me feel seasick and weird brought me back down to earth, I dared to dream that maybe I was well enough for church. For about 15 minutes I felt fine, great even, I managed to stand through two whole songs and for a little while after that! But before I'd been out of the house two hours I was struggling to focus and stay awake and feeling physically bizarre (there is no other word for it).

The glimpse of the lives other people live didn't help either, I'm finding that the more I compare my life with that of other people the worse I feel about myself. It was yet another reminder that the church doesn't seem to have a lot of use for the ill or disabled, in order to serve in the church you need not only to be well, but turbo charged. And yes, I know how bitter that sounds. I know I need to stop comparing myself with others, for a start it's not comparing like with like. If I take life slowly and focus on each moment at a time, on the things I can do, then I can sometimes achieve some sort of contentment.

Sorry that there has been so much soul-searching on here lately: I've been having a very confusing time, quite turbulent inwardly and I don't have anyone to talk it over with, who I know and trust well enough and see anything of to talk about such things. And there has been so much inner turbulence and instability of mood that it wouldn't be fair to inflict it all on one person (though Catherine has stoically put up with plenty of it!). I think I shall start a private diary for matters spiritual, but still share some of what goes on here, partly to encourage and partly to educate anyone reading this about what it is like to be trying to survive as a sick Christian, or to make any fellow travellers feel less alone.

In the meantime I'm trying to salvage the good from the wreckage of tonight, wishing my mood were more stable and trying to ignore how much more of 'an ill person' the experience made me feel. Most of all I want to focus on God and how good He is, in spite of what a mess I am.

Wish I were there

Right now I'm feeling torn to pieces inside because there are all these wonderful things happening at church - prayer, communal meals, worship, fellowship in so many different shapes and forms - and I'm stuck here, out of it, hurting all over and so tired the ground feels like it's dragging me down. And I want to yell at God because He could make me well enough to go and He isn't and I could just cry and cry but I've got, somehow, to find a way of accepting the situation and keep on trusting Him.

The alternative is to keep hugging the anger and hurt to me and not do anything positive and keep on wallowing in negativity. After all there's nothing to say that you have to be in a particular place or even with particular people to pray for your church (or for anything else). So not being able to make it to church isn't such a disaster, true the fellowship is better there than in an empty room, but God's always here, He never goes away and we don't have to go to a particular place to meet Him.

Bizarrely just the act of writing this down, getting it off my chest, has made me feel significantly better. Letting things get pent up inside doesn't help, I'm becoming increasingly aware of that. Of late I've been so angry about things, just about being ill and my general situation and I don't know how to handle it, what to do with it, how to be less angry. Hopefully it will pass or ease soon as the side effects from those pills gradually wear off and my mood settles down again, but it could take some months to restore equilibrium - it was only a very delicate equilibrium in the first place and one that took years to achieve. In the meantime I suppose I just have to put up with the sheer instability of my moods and their tendency to plummet to the depths of despair in minutes. Sometimes I worry that I must look or come across as utterly mad.

I suppose tomorrow I've just got to find a way of glorifying God within the constraints He has put upon me, rinse, lather and repeat the next day and the next and the next. Walking (or more realistically limping) with Christ and trying to learn to trust Him.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8.28*


*please note: although I've quoted this verse here do not think that quoting it to a Christian who is going through hard times is a solve all. Having it quoted at you when things are tough by all and sundry without thought or any other form of encouragement can get extremely irksome.

Shelter

Another song today, about church and what church is and can be.

Shelter - Jars of Clay

To all who are looking down
Holding onto hearts still wounding
For those who've yet to find it
The places near where love is moving
Cast off the robes you're wearing
Set aside the names you've been given

May this place of rest in the fold of your journey
Bind you to hope, you will never walk alone.

In the shelter of each other, we will live, we will live
In the shelter of each other, we will live, we will live
Your arms are all around us

If our hearts have turned to stone
There is hope, we know the rocks will cry out
And the tears aren't ours alone
Let them fall into the hands that hold us
Come away from where you're hiding
Set aside the lies you've been living

May this place of rest in the fold of your journey
Bind you to hope that we will never walk alone

If there is any peace, if there is any hope
We must all believe, our lives are not our own

We all belong
God has given us each other
And we will never walk alone

I particularly love the lines,
"May this place of rest in the fold of your journey
Bind you to hope that we will never walk alone"
And the way it expresses the idea of "the body of Christ" in a new way.

While it is true that we each have Jesus with us every single hour of every single day of our lives, sometimes we need to be His hands and feet, His tangible body here on earth, for one another and accepting that help from one another as each has need. It's why the writer of Hebrews exhorts us, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10.25 NIV), because we need to support one another while we are here. Likewise it is why in his book Where is God When Life Hurts? Philip Yancey concludes that the question we should really ask is "Where is the church when life hurts?". The body of Christ is such a fabulous idea, a refuge from an often hostile world, a place where everyone counts and belongs, where Jesus is the life and the Spirit and the pumping heart and creator and the centre, where restoration, love, hope, forgiveness and grace can flourish and flood out into the world. I pray that my membership doesn't impede the work of Jesus in His body and that despite being so broken myself I can be shelter for others, as they shelter me.

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms" Deuteronomy 33.27

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13.34-5

The hall of mirrors

Or which image is real? Unpicking the tangles in my brain.

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, though I can't say I've got far. Right now I feel like I've just emerged (or am just emerging?) from a hall of mirrors at the fair, where it's never clear which image is reality and everything is distorted and bewildering.

For a start I've realised a couple of things I need to work on, anxiety would be the first one as it is apparently still well and flourishing. There is no way that worrying yourself to a point of near physical sickness over sending an email is normal, neither are "stress nosebleeds". As another DWP appeal looms I do need to get an urgent grip on this; I don't want to end up in the state I was in last time. Though as a side note I am constantly amazed by the fresh and inventive ways that my body comes up with in order to express anxiety, most creative.

The other is that I need to let go of past hurts, trite and hackneyed as that sounds. There are old wounds, some healed, some not quite so healed, that I keep revisiting and picking over like a child picks at its blister and that needs to stop. It's pointless, it's like my mind running round and round on well worn railway tracks getting nowhere except to keep the old hurts and wounds of the past alive. Or rather it serves no positive point, it keeps negative feelings hanging around and allows me to feel like the poor wounded soul, ideal fodder for a pity party. However, the reason I called the phrase "let go" trite is because although it sounds simple I don't entirely know how to do it. Prayer seems like a good first option (it generally is after all) and I suspect that this one is going to require some real wrestling. Stopping myself (and asking the Holy Spirit to prompt me) every time I start to revisit these dark but familiar old haunts also seems like a good option.

Meanwhile the church is looking different to how it looked a couple of weeks ago. Then it looked like a fortress, without any means of ingress, moat, sheer walls, draw bridge drawn firmly up and portcullis down. It felt like you were either cosily in the church, part of things, or utterly outside and on your own. Now at least this blog seems to have blown a small hole in the walls; when I couldn't work out where to begin trying to find an entrance. Hopefully things will be better from here, though it still tears me apart inside that I can't be more involved, can't be there - the guilt every time someone asks for volunteers at life group is terrible. But that's just how things are, not anyone's fault, something I need to learn to live with.

Another thing I have realised, from things various people have said, is that the difference between the person I see as me and in me and the person other people seem to see or say they see is startling. I cannot help seeing the utter blackness inside me, seeing the self obsession, greed, pride, general wimpishness, moaning, self pity etc. etc. I hate all this in me. I am trying to remember grace, to remember the cross, to remember that we are all sinners in need of forgiveness. But at the same time I can't help seeing myself as a self pitying attention seeker. That label keeps ringing in my ears: attention seeker, or attention seeking. When I was so so depressed I ended up so worried about not attention seeking, or not trying to seek help in an attention seeking manipulative sort of way and it worries me now, what if I'm just attention seeking? Maybe I should just keep quiet. I don't even know where to begin to untangle that lot or know what to do with it. That's what I mean about the hall of mirrors, it's so hard knowing what is true and what is distortion.

But as, for some peculiar reason, God does seem to love me and want to know me and want me to know Him, then I want to "follow on to know the Lord" (Hosea 6.3 KJV, via J. Rees Larcombe, Journey into God's Heart). It's always good to have a goal, right? And that's one I want to re-commit to.

A final thought, in the form of a "Not-poem"

A little girl is knock knock knocking on heaven's door,
Asking when she can come home;
Listening to her Father say, "Not yet my beloved child."

A moment of worship

You Reign by Simon Brading

Though I walk upon ground
That is rugged and uneven
Your faithful hand won't lead me astray
Through the rain and the clouds,
Where the sun is barely shining
Your grace surrounds my life everyday
Everyday

You reign
Yesterday today for evermore, for evermore
You reign in every circumstance
You are good, You are good

And You hold in Your hands
Every star, the sun and moon
Yet those hands are marred
And wounded from nails.
Precious blood at the cross
Was poured out for the nations
And this love that drove salvation never fails
Your love never fails

You rule the world
You rule the world, You reign
You are the name above all names
The King above all kings, You reign

I'm listening to this song again and again right now, it's just so true, that God reigns everyday, in every circumstance. It's here on youtube if you want to listen (and sing along). Though I'm going to stop listening to catch The Archers now!

In which I am in danger of veering on the Pollyanna-ish

As it is a while since I blogged last I thought I would write again; not about anything in particular you understand, but simply in a general manner. Church things, as discussed in the last post, are a lot better and we've all communicated more, which can only be a good thing.

Today has been a long dull day of tiredness and crash from last night's dinner party, even though the parents did the majority of the work, more than three hours' socialising was always going to take its toll. Although it was nice to see everyone and enjoy that convivial atmosphere of sitting around a table eating with others I do still hate the crash that follows doing more than usual. Crashing is miserable, especially that tired, achy dragging down part of it.

Sorry, I was determined when I came on here that I was not going to write a miserable post! Hmm, let's think about some good things (yes, I know, sickeningly Pollyanna of me).

Good books: I'm reading The Wouldbegoods by E Nesbit, which is good jolly reading, the children in the tale are woefully bad at being good and in fact the majority of their attempts to be good seem to end in utter disaster for all concerned. In the bath I'm reading Aunt Mame by Patrick Dennis, which is deliciously funny and just right for the bath. It is about an orphaned ten year old boy who is sent to live with his exotic Aunt Mame in New York in the summer of 1929 and covers all her wonderful adventures. I'm aware that I'm not giving its due, you'll have to take my word for it. For humour it is easily the equal of Wodehouse (though less convoluted), Waugh, Nancy Mitford or E F Benson (a litany of the greats in my opinion) and Aunt Mame is every bit as engaging as 'Mrs Harris' (of Paul Gallico's Mrs Harris goes to Paris), though considerably less terrifying than Wodehousian aunts.

Good friends, an especial mention goes to the Ravelry group "British Banter" - happy 1st (week) anniversary everyone! Thank you for making me laugh all week and still being there when things need to get more serious. And many thanks to the penguins for their sterling work of moderating. Life Group was good this week too, interesting discussion, even if confession isn't the cheeriest subject (though of course it is a very important one).

Good knitting: the fair isle scarf is virtually at 50% done, I just need to keep going and get the second half done in about the same time. Then write up the pattern, what fun that will be... more fiddling with Excel. I have no idea how accountants cope.

So, here's to the next week and to staying cheerful and not dwelling on sad or nasty things (like the benefits' appeal hearing in early November - the part about the legal parts that I don't understand much about).

I leave you with a quotation from E Nesbit, which as someone whose clothes are generally untidy, despite my valiant efforts, I greatly appreciate:

You should not judge people harshly because their clothes are tidy.

My hot water bottle and I are retiring to bed at this juncture. So long and thanks for all the fish.

Dear church, an open letter

Dear church,

This is just a letter to try to explain how I'm feeling and why. How I am feeling is shorter to explain: deeply sad with occasional tinges of angry and a side of lonely would just about sum it up.

I'm not blaming you for this, I know I'm rubbish at explaining things and at vocalising my needs and how can you know what I need if I don't say? It's so hard being the only Christian in your family. Then add in being sick, to the point where dealing with everyday things like getting dressed and brushing your hair and remembering to take your pills were all challenging and tiring and a struggle, and maybe you can begin to see the problem? I struggle with daily existence, tired is a wholly inadequate word for describing just how exhausted I am, even on a supposedly "good" day (and there aren't a lot of those about, they're nearly as rare as dodos). This is physical exhaustion so profound that it feels like you are being dragged down by gravity and total mental exhaustion that means that thinking is incredibly hard work, it is like having a scrambled brain with only occasional patches where the mist clears. Add in physical pain and having joints as stiff as the average great-granny and a host of minor ailments, as well as a daily battle to keep my mood stable and maybe my absence from church seems more understandable?

I used to love church on a Sunday, at uni before I got so sick I'd go to the morning and the evening service and it was the highlight of my week. I'm not a slacker and it's not that I can't be bothered - I miss church, I miss coming together with other Christians and sharing that precious fellowship and worship. But I find church services too much and too difficult, the noise, lots of people, the journey there and back, the pain from sitting in the pews, the crippling cold - when I did used to make it to church it was wearing all my warmest clothes and with a hot water bottle - the length of the service, not being able to stand for any length of time, not being able to sing for more than about half a song, not being able to follow the sermon and the frustration of not being able to do the things I once loved are all too much. When I realised that by midweek Life group I still hadn't recovered from the previous Sunday and that my whole week was dominated by crashing from church, if I made it, I realised that I needed to put church on hold until I got a bit better. Unfortunately conversely despite my best efforts my health has declined further since then so returning is not yet possible. I put church on hold because I was spending most of the weekend worrying and feeling guilty about whether or not I should go to church, whether or not I was well enough or just being lazy. The self doubt, guilt and questioning was driving me to madness. Taking that decision was so freeing, though very sad.

I do try to keep up with the sermons from home, but there I can pause and restart and rewind the sermon as often as I need to in order to follow the message. I also try to get to Life group as much as I can, after all without it I would get no church whatsoever, but even that has become periodic, particularly lately during the latest crash. In order to get to Life group I have to rest up all of Wednesday during the day, avoid scheduling medical appointments that day and avoid doing too much on Thursday so I can recover afterwards (going out in the evenings tends to mean I can't sleep until very late that night). Even making these efforts I don't make it much... and once I'm there staying awake, staying physically comfortable (not in pain etc.) concentrating and at times just the noise of being in a room full of people can make it really hard.

I know that this is long and laying the situation on with a trowel, but I spend so much time trying to downplay how I feel and trying to appear "normal" that I tend not to talk about how I feel or say what's on my mind. I hate to feel I'm trying to make anyone else who says they're tired or not feeling well feel like I'm trying to "compete" or "trump them" by going on about how awful I feel - I get enough health related competition at home. Therefore maybe you don't know what I need? Or that I'm feeling sad and lonely and sometimes angry because I'm by myself and feel neglected. Seeing Marion has helped, but not enough I'm afraid. Her coming does mean that I see another Christian at least every six weeks or so, but how would you cope in the intervening weeks not seeing another Christian or hearing from any? Having no one to pray with, no one to encourage and being encouraged by, no one to discuss Christian matters with, no fellowship.

I do understand that everyone is busy, everyone has so much on, there's all these committees and rotas that need filling and I wish I could help. If I could help I would. And I hate having to ask for help, not just because of pride, but because I know that I'm a burden on you all and so useless and unable to help you. But it's such hard work trying to keep faith alive and lively on your own and I'm feeling so worn down, unrefreshed and dry. I suppose what I'm asking is if there is any chance anyone has some time to come and spend with me, reading the Bible, praying, talking about Jesus, telling me about all the things our new vicar is doing, chatting, telling me about yourself, what you're up to, what's happening in your life, what you love, what makes you laugh. My life is so boring, I love hearing about you. Even replying to my emails would be a start. I know there are lots of opportunities for fellowship organised by the church, but as I've said, I'm just not well enough to take them up. You wouldn't have to visit (or go out for coffee) for long (in fact it's far better if you don't because being with other people is tiring, but very worthwhile), or even very often. But surely someone or some people could spare a bit of time every month or fortnight? Even just for the odd email?

Sorry to go on for so long, I find it so much easier to talk in written words than in spoken words. And sorry if this sounds accusatory or attacking, it's not meant to be, but I've got to say this somehow or I'll never have any peace or stop feeling so sad.

Grace and peace to you in the name of Jesus,

love Stephanie

P.S. some prayer for healing wouldn't come amiss either.

Putting together thoughts

Beans in situ

I've been wanting to blog for a while now but been having difficulty working out how to put into words and sentences and paragraphs exactly what I wanted to say or even pinning down the thoughts I wanted to capture. So I thought a list of what I've been thinking and feeling and experiencing might work better.1. Desperate for decent sleep, haven't been sleeping well recently, really takes its toll
2. We've had some good runner beans from the garden, our record for one day last week was seven (pictured below) but today Dad picked 11 - which was enough for us to have just homegrown beans for tea, no bought ones added in. A small horticultural achievement perhaps, but one of which we are proud. Dad keeps talking about how many beans he could grow on a couple of acres.3. I've been knitting a new jumper Cream Puff Pullover, started a week and a half ago and one inch away from splitting the whole body to do the shoulder/armhole shaping. If it keeps up at this rate it will be the fastest jumper I've ever knit, I'm loving it. The gorgeous yarn is helping too - King Cole Merino Blend in Kingfisher, great value and feels so soft, with that 'proper wool' sproing to it.
4. Our tomatoes are mainly still green, it looks like we'll shortly be making green tomato chutney.
5. Weight watchers seems to be going OK, I've so far lost 6lbs in 3 weeks, which seems to be a good rate of loss, here's hoping I can keep it up.
6. My obsession with ratatouille continues unabated. So delicious, so low in points (virtually none... except for a bit of olive oil) and yet so filling. I'm half way through my second batch since I started WW. Before anyone starts worrying about my diet becoming monotonous - it's OK, I've got a Weight watchers cook book on the way and one on "seasonal salads", should be nice to get some new ideas.
7. I got a cool new case for my crochet hooks, I'd had vague thoughts of making my own but couldn't see how I'd be able to avoid having to put a zip in and I'd rather not spend my time wrestling zips, so in the end I went for the lazy route and bought one.
I've called him Oswald, after the Northumbrian king, in tribute to the brilliant lectures by Professor Rollason at Durham.
8. Despite needing more yarn about as much as a hole in the head I fell for some more yarn by my favourite indie-dyer Violet Green today, a second in rainbow bright colours which was seconded because of green flecks, which I presume were initially unintended. I'm never deterred by green flecks and the yarn looked so gorgeous and so I just had to buy it, after all, we disabled have got to stick together!
9. Because of feeling extra-awful these past few days I keep feeling sorry for myself and this evening have felt quite miserable, despite the amazing headache pills making today so much more bearable. I'm trying to find new ways to deal with this, ways that don't involve comfort eating, which I used to do far, far too much. I'll admit I did treat myself today to some chocolate, though staying within my "Points". I think this may be one reason why the jumper is going so fast. For now I'm just trying to ride it out, "this too will pass" as they always say.
10. To try to occupy myself with something positive and encouraging, rather than because I "should", I have been catching up with the sermons from church, the one from a couple of weeks ago I just listened to cut home in some interesting ways, about how we need to engage with Jesus, it's something I've struggled with of late, I feel like I'm drifting along and don't really know how to get onto any sort of course. I'm doing my best to keep my relationship with Jesus going and stay close, but I feel so tired and jaded, like I've been through so much and just can't keep going on. I need to grapple with some of this, but somehow lack the energy and strength, because I have so little of it and I'm just so tired. I keep reminding myself of Matthew 11:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I don't know the answer to all this, partly because I'm not entirely sure of the question(s). Spending time with Jesus seems important though.

There: some random thoughts in ten points, very neat and tidy. Now I'm for bed, hopefully to sleep.

Grace and ungrace

Increasingly lately I've received the distinct impression that pretty much everybody I know is simply too busy to have any time for me. I'm honestly not saying that out of self-pity or to guilt-trip people into spending time with me, it's not attention seeking, it's just an observation. Everyone is very busy, with jobs, spouses, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, hobbies, holidays, the daily stuff of living. Meanwhile I find that as a single sick person I'm low down on everyone's agendas, which is understandable in a way. I'm too tired most of the time to go to most of the big events where people meet up such as weddings, church meetings and services and parties, and it takes a lot of commitment to go and see a person, a lot of time and time is something everyone seems short of.

Having said that it does make me sad to be alone so much. I start to wonder if I really have anything to offer anybody, if I'm boring to be with, do I moan too much. Part of it is the illness, I can't see people too often anyway because it's too tiring, but just sometimes it would be nice to have something sociable and fun to write down in my diary, not just another medical appointment. Some social event I can manage, something on my terms, that meets my needs (selfish as I know that sounds) not having to fit in around other people's schedules and needs. I remember at Durham someone suggesting we meet for breakfast for half an hour at 8 am (due to the drugs I have to take I'm really not a morning person) because she couldn't fit me in at any other time, literally for weeks to come. Knowing that you are that unimportant to your "friends" doesn't exactly do a lot for the self esteem or for feeling valued.

When I mentioned some of this to my therapist, how my friends never seem to have time for me, she asked if these people really were friends, if they behave like this, which I will admit set me thinking. I'm certainly not about to flounce off in a huff and cut myself off from everyone who doesn't have time for me - I wouldn't have many friends or even acquaintances left if I did - and also because I do understand that life can be very busy and that I feel the gap more because I have so little happening in my life.

Instead I am trying to control the part of this situation that I can control - how I react to the situation, to my friends. Sometimes this involves setting aside how I feel and reaching out to friends with grace, sending a short message of support and love, rather than holding onto resentment and anger about not hearing from them. There's enough "ungrace" in this world; I don't want to add to it. Before I come across as some plaster saint I should say that this is often the utter opposite of what I want to do or say - it is only by the grace of God that I can do this, His Spirit in me.

I long for some fellowship and refreshment, someone (or some people) to share the journey with, in a way I can really join in with. I would love to be able to give as well as receive too, to encourage others, listen, be there for someone, feel of value in the body of Christ. But I'm too tired to go to the meetings or do much. I suppose I'll just keep praying and be glad that Jesus doesn't have such a busy schedule or require you to attend meetings in order to spend time with Him.

As I said earlier, I'm honestly not trying to guilt-trip anyone, just express how I feel, I've got to somehow or I'll go mad.

The elusive "it"

I think I've found it, or solved it, the elusive niggle that something's not quite right, that I'm out of sync with something. It is hard to quantify, explain, put into words, other than to say that praying felt like "shouting into a concrete bucket" to quote the inimitable Adrian Plass (I think), that I was somehow out of sorts, distant from God.

My answer to this "it" is as simple as the word, I realised yesterday that I keep trying to do several things at once: multitasking. Now this is fine, a useful ability, but a tiring one and not always the greatest in a relationship, not if the multitasking stops you from fully focussing on who you're trying to relate to. It's like sitting in the same room with someone, talking, but never catching their eye, never looking at them, hearing most of the words, but not bringing them fully to focus inside your mind and missing all the body language, emotion and tone. That's what I've been doing with God. I need to stop and spend some time with Him completely, not doing anything else, just being with Him.

This isn't to say there isn't some value in Brother Lawrence's ideas about being with God all the time through everything you do in the day, but it helps if at some point in that day you stop and relax and spend some time just being together. Simple though the solution seems, I doubt I'll sort this out overnight, I spent some time just listening to songs, singing along, 'worshipping', bathing in Him, revelling in who He is and what He has done. (While we're here, I know that everything we do is supposed to be worshipping Him etc. etc. and that worship can take many different forms, it's just that today that's how I was worshipping Him. There's something in music, in singing alone (or even better together) about and to our God, that is ancient and good and holy and biblical.) Anyhow, meanders aside, it was good, refreshing, I know feelings aren't everything, but it did feel good. Next time maybe we'll read the Bible together?

I've been listening to "Blue like Jazz" that my friend Nic recommended to me (I think it was her... correct me if I'm wrong), which I got from audible. It's interesting, thought provoking, needs digesting, will need to be listened to multiple times, or maybe I'll get the book and read it 'properly'. At first it felt a bit odd, drifting, just this guy's thoughts, but gradually themes have emerged and interesting ideas with them. It helped me to realise how I was dividing myself from God and not paying attention properly, not engaging with Him. That's valuable enough in itself to get from a book.

Tonight it's made me feel a bit doubtful of myself again, it doesn't take much to make me doubt myself. He's started talking about how we're not meant to be alone, which I know - all too well, and about community. How we could stop feeling lonely if we lived in community - shared places to live and lived together as a church, as people, how damaging loneliness is. He makes the solution seem so simple, get off your backside and go engage with people, talk to them, listen to them, humble yourself and be open for them. But what if you can't? What if you can't physically make it to see people? What if you can't make it to their meetings and groups? What are you supposed to do then?

Is it my fault that I'm sick and can't get out and talk to people and start creating community? Am I just not trying hard enough? Trying hard enough... those words come up so often, they make me worry so much, like things would be better if I tried harder. But really, tried harder at what? When are these words lies and when is it true? When do I need to try harder? Why? I know I need to see more people, more brothers and sisters especially. Sometimes I need to make more effort, but there's days and weeks and months where I don't have the effort to give. What then?

So I feel like a failure again and try to remind myself of grace, again.