If I am honest I put too much hope in the election result, in a change of government, in a change of culture and approach. The exit poll and subsequent results have knocked me flat: I am honestly not sure how I am going to cope with another five years of Conservative government. Another five years of being described as a "scrounger" and a "shirker", another five years of the poorest in society suffering the most, another five years of fear and blame and divide and rule.
It is not that I hate the Conservatives per se, or that I hate Conservative voters. I do hate the campaign they ran, filled with fear, fear of the Scots, fear of the economy, fear that if you do not grasp all you have you may lose it. I hate the idea that all that matters is you, you and your hard working family, nothing else matters. I hate the idea that the poor deserve poverty, that it is a matter of personal responsibility, if only people tried harder they would not be poor. This is blatantly untrue: it ignores all the structures that keep people poor.
I am filled with dread of what £12 billion of welfare cuts are going to mean to my community, to the disabled, none of whom chose their circumstances, what is going to happen? How are we to live? What is it going to mean for the increasing numbers of children growing up in poverty?
There is so much that concerns me, scares me, angers me, I feel so passionately about what is happening. But, but, I am ill, I am exhausted, the anger and anxiety make me more exhausted and sore and ill. How can I make a change? How can I get involved and fight and campaign? To be sure, if I were well, I would be out there, doing everything I could to make a difference. Instead I feel like my arms are tied behind my back, my feet tied together and my mouth gagged: I feel silenced and made invisible by my illness.
So where next? I am at a loss. I am trying to keep an eternal perspective, trying to pray, trying to find hope in God, but the present feels so overwhelming.
I may head back to the Psalms, it feels like a time for lament.
Showing posts with label ME. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ME. Show all posts
Thursday, 14 May 2015
Thursday, 16 April 2015
The Impatient Rester
The exertion of moving house and all the work it has entailed has knocked me for six; it is the worst ME crash in years and my word how impatient I am to be back on my feet! I am so bored of resting, of aching with tiredness and having to say "no" to things I really want to do. Days seem to float past, each one much alike and it is hard to keep from getting depressed by the situation. Now I do know that compared to many people I am incredibly lucky to be able to so much, but somehow that is never enough is it? I want to be getting stuck into church things, helping out, inviting people over, going places, exploring, making, gardening. The gap between what I can do and what I want to do is vast, a canyon, so if I say, "yes" to something or suggest doing something, then have to pull out, that is why. In terms of energy my eyes are bigger than my energy reserves.
I am trying to stay positive, to take each day as it comes, be grateful for what I have, for the peace and chance to recover, but I am human and do not find it easy. Maybe my calling right now is just to be?
A new arrival is helping make this time of resting bearable, I have adopted a small black cat named Willow from a local shelter. She is about six, affectionate, determined, funny, sweet and loving. There is nothing she likes more than a lap for the afternoon, cuddles by the hour and will sit on me in such a way that I cannot do anything else except sit, which for someone who struggles to rest, is invaluable. I wish I had had a cat years ago, they offer great companionship. I look forward to getting up now so I can go downstairs to see her.
Perhaps I should write soon about what I have been knitting while I have been resting? For now it is time to head back to the sofa.
I am trying to stay positive, to take each day as it comes, be grateful for what I have, for the peace and chance to recover, but I am human and do not find it easy. Maybe my calling right now is just to be?
A new arrival is helping make this time of resting bearable, I have adopted a small black cat named Willow from a local shelter. She is about six, affectionate, determined, funny, sweet and loving. There is nothing she likes more than a lap for the afternoon, cuddles by the hour and will sit on me in such a way that I cannot do anything else except sit, which for someone who struggles to rest, is invaluable. I wish I had had a cat years ago, they offer great companionship. I look forward to getting up now so I can go downstairs to see her.
Saturday, 14 September 2013
Crash
Right now I am in the middle of an ME and fibromyalgia crash, caused by trying to do too much and not saying no enough and things just happening that I have had to deal with and not enough sleep over a number of weeks. It seems a cruel irony that a fatigue causing illness should come with the inability to sleep.
I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, or blame myself too much, although I know that this is what happens if I overdo things; neither am I asking for your pity. But there might not be much interesting blogging going on for a bit while I regroup and keep practising resting. I am trying to teach myself to see resting as constructive, not simply wasting time or achieving nothing, this effort is in its early days so far.
For now I shall go back to bed, in between short times knitting, I think having something restful to do is so important with any kind of chronic illness. It provides something else to think about outside oneself and helps pass the time. Certainly I have become good at finding low-energy things to do, perhaps one day I shall have to write about it here, when I have rested that is!
A gratuitous picture of some roses because they're beautiful.
I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, or blame myself too much, although I know that this is what happens if I overdo things; neither am I asking for your pity. But there might not be much interesting blogging going on for a bit while I regroup and keep practising resting. I am trying to teach myself to see resting as constructive, not simply wasting time or achieving nothing, this effort is in its early days so far.
For now I shall go back to bed, in between short times knitting, I think having something restful to do is so important with any kind of chronic illness. It provides something else to think about outside oneself and helps pass the time. Certainly I have become good at finding low-energy things to do, perhaps one day I shall have to write about it here, when I have rested that is!
A gratuitous picture of some roses because they're beautiful.
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Doing enough
Last night I was having another of my guilt-filled panics with God about "the future" and whether or not I should be doing and achieving more. This is a frequent thought, which derives from a vague sense that I should be doing something, regardless of how I am and it seems to be a deep seated idea as I have struggled with it for a long time now. I see all my friends and contemporaries getting PhDs or married or having children or careers or travelling, or a mixture of the above, and feel like a failure, an idea further engendered from my family, where to have a BA degree is to be somewhat under-educated. What am I doing? What have I done with the last six years of my life?
Then something like this morning happens, a sudden crisis in my mother's health and all these thoughts fall away as the central business of existing suddenly takes over and consumes all my energy and thought. Thankfully my mother is recovering and I am gradually recovering from the shock, although things are not entirely back to normal.
In the midst of this I read Ruth's post on her excellent blog One Little Drop this morning and then read the blog posts she had linked to and they gave me back some sense of perspective on myself, the first article in particular. All this time that I have been ill I have felt under a pressure from others to be doing something, or that it was time to move on from being ill and do something, as though it were that simple, when so many days are spent simply managing to get through the day, when being consumes all energy.
And yet, and yet... I still lack the confidence to say that I am doing enough, that just being and getting through the day with grace and the minimum of self pity and bitterness is enough. Jesus help me, give me your perspective.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Autumn
Time slips on, complicated hat has made way on the needles for complicated mittens, while in the past few days I have been enjoying finally being able to wear the complicated hat. When I finished it we were in the middle of our intense Indian summer and I had to unearth my sun hat instead. How glorious that was and how cold it felt yesterday by contrast.
Stepping outside today, despite the comparative warmth, there is a definite smell of autumn, of falling leaves and damp lawn and cooling earth and decay. It is the sort of day which inspires me to want to put on some wellingtons and do some digging or other essential autumn job in the garden. If only I had the energy.
Sometimes I regard this slow slipping into winter with dread, all those dark, cold days, but in my saner moments I just take each moment as it comes and watch all its changes and moods. This is a better way I think, it feels calmer. Watch the leaves slowly change, the birds, who all vanished during the heat of the Indian summer, return to use the feeders so lovingly set up for them, wash and drink in the bird bath and chatter and preen in the bushes, hopping around the branches of the big holly as though it were a green stair case, up and down, up and down. Watch a robin sitting apparently doing nothing, looking casually about him before diving to the ground for some grub smaller than I can see.
That robin is delightful, he always comes down when I am outside to see what I'm up to. I'll look up from my magazine or book, having heard the flutter of wings, to see him sitting on a branch two feet away watching me. I love the look of triumph in his eye when he has a particularly juicy worm or a good berry, a look that says "this is mine, back off". The blackbirds are just the same.
These trees were so golden, lit up by the sun, I half expected Aeneas to turn up, guided by doves, for his golden bough.
In between there have been blacker moods and darker times, part of chronic illness I suppose. But I am writing this almost to prove to myself that it hasn't all been bad. And time slips on, flowing past, while I nap and knit and watch.
Sunday, 12 December 2010
Cold weather, good books and an unexpected parcel
Yet again it has been a while since I last posted and I feel like an update is more than overdue. I am currently most relieved that the weather has returned to something akin to its senses and is no longer so Siberian in its nature. The first week of snow felt like the longest week ever, with everyone cooped up in the house and everything cancelled, though the first of the pair of socks I was knitting for Dad's Christmas present made quite admirable progress. The post still hasn't caught up with itself which is infuriating as I am waiting for a lot of parcels, mainly Christmas related. Lately I've been finding the cold harder and harder to deal with and a trip to the doctor's on Wednesday confirmed what I feared, namely that I have Raynaud's Phenomenon/disease, a circulatory problem where insufficient blood gets to your extremities - in my case mainly my fingers are effected - meaning they feel the cold very badly and can be painful. My finger tips spent the week of the snow changing colour between white, red and blue, which was at the very least patriotic of them.
It is never pleasant to receive yet another diagnosis, especially when it is yet another condition for which nothing can be done, aside in this case from wearing gloves (what did the doctor think I was doing?!). Although I suppose it is good to know that I'm not just being a sook or a wuss: my body genuinely does find cold weather hard to deal with. Partly to "treat" this and partly to cheer myself up I have ordered some Malabrigo worsted to knit the Bird in Hand mittens by Kate Gilbert. I cannot think of warmer or softer mittens!
The good books have included Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol; although the story is a familiar one I couldn't remember whether I'd actually read the original book and having just finished it I recommend it heartily. Not only is it a great story exceptionally well told, it is also a superb portrait of Victorian London and a book that gets a great message across about Christmas. I would particularly recommend it to my fellow Christians, although it is not "a Christian book", it contains a lot of the spirit of what is best in our faith and speaks eloquently of the capacity for even the most calloused heart to change. For those who find the idea of Dickens daunting, I would add that this is a short novelette or short story, that moves at a fair pace and does not contain a lot of the slower more ponderous passages contained in many Victorian novels (mainly there for the purpose of stretching them to the prescriptive length required for the customary three volume novels of the time).
My other reading material lately has included The Deaf Sentence by David Lodge, the campus novel moving into retirement, a clever and engaging novel, and some more titles from Persephone books. Persephone is a company I cannot praise enough or recommend enough: their books never disappoint. This time I borrowed Operation Heartbreak by Duff Cooper from my mother's bookshelves, another comparatively short novel but well written, Cooper has the power to make you care about his characters and he writes from a perspective of authority on the period - during which he was a minister in Winston Churchill's government. He is writing of his generation, the generation George Orwell (in his novel Coming Up for Air) feared would be forgotten, a generation whose lives had been sandwiched between two world wars. Although this has not (yet) happened, the first war left a huge scar on the generation who fought in it and Operation Heartbreak provided an angle on this that I had never seen before. Now I have moved onto The Closed Door by Dorothy Whipple - more on that anon.
Lastly the unexpected parcel... I won a competition! Just a prize draw one, but the prize is enormous, the biggest parcel of knitting related goodies you ever saw! I took a photo of it (I'll try to get the photo onto here in the morning, for now it's on flickr). I'm still getting over the shock! Anyhow that is quite sufficient for now, I always get long winded when I get onto books! Hopefully next time some thoughts on 1 &2 Samuel and the life of king David, my recent Bible reading.
It is never pleasant to receive yet another diagnosis, especially when it is yet another condition for which nothing can be done, aside in this case from wearing gloves (what did the doctor think I was doing?!). Although I suppose it is good to know that I'm not just being a sook or a wuss: my body genuinely does find cold weather hard to deal with. Partly to "treat" this and partly to cheer myself up I have ordered some Malabrigo worsted to knit the Bird in Hand mittens by Kate Gilbert. I cannot think of warmer or softer mittens!
The good books have included Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol; although the story is a familiar one I couldn't remember whether I'd actually read the original book and having just finished it I recommend it heartily. Not only is it a great story exceptionally well told, it is also a superb portrait of Victorian London and a book that gets a great message across about Christmas. I would particularly recommend it to my fellow Christians, although it is not "a Christian book", it contains a lot of the spirit of what is best in our faith and speaks eloquently of the capacity for even the most calloused heart to change. For those who find the idea of Dickens daunting, I would add that this is a short novelette or short story, that moves at a fair pace and does not contain a lot of the slower more ponderous passages contained in many Victorian novels (mainly there for the purpose of stretching them to the prescriptive length required for the customary three volume novels of the time).
My other reading material lately has included The Deaf Sentence by David Lodge, the campus novel moving into retirement, a clever and engaging novel, and some more titles from Persephone books. Persephone is a company I cannot praise enough or recommend enough: their books never disappoint. This time I borrowed Operation Heartbreak by Duff Cooper from my mother's bookshelves, another comparatively short novel but well written, Cooper has the power to make you care about his characters and he writes from a perspective of authority on the period - during which he was a minister in Winston Churchill's government. He is writing of his generation, the generation George Orwell (in his novel Coming Up for Air) feared would be forgotten, a generation whose lives had been sandwiched between two world wars. Although this has not (yet) happened, the first war left a huge scar on the generation who fought in it and Operation Heartbreak provided an angle on this that I had never seen before. Now I have moved onto The Closed Door by Dorothy Whipple - more on that anon.
Lastly the unexpected parcel... I won a competition! Just a prize draw one, but the prize is enormous, the biggest parcel of knitting related goodies you ever saw! I took a photo of it (I'll try to get the photo onto here in the morning, for now it's on flickr). I'm still getting over the shock! Anyhow that is quite sufficient for now, I always get long winded when I get onto books! Hopefully next time some thoughts on 1 &2 Samuel and the life of king David, my recent Bible reading.
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Decisions, decisions
Today I made a momentous decision: I have joined Weightwatchers (and about time too! I hear from the gallery). I have been vaguely thinking I need to lose weight, but then going out and buying chocolate, for quite a while now and I've finally reached a point where enough is enough. Today I'm in the right place financially and mentally to be able to do something about it and sufficiently fed up with being this fat to want to do it.
So I'm slowly getting to grips with my life being ruled by points (it's rather like being back in the second world war really) and reading the recipes on their website and entering depressing personal data. I'm stoked that carrots and cabbage are 0 points (or nuls points as it would be in the Eurovision song contest), but slightly peeved that one tablespoon of petits pois is 1 point. The number of points associated with cheese has blown my tiny mind! I have looked into the future and it contains significantly less cheese than once it did, right now I don't mind too much, how I will feel in coming weeks remains to be seen. I have been hungry at times today, despite being 8.5 points over my target number of points (looks embarrassed and blames the cheese) but that was always going to be the case switching from eating unlimited rubbish to limited healthy things, however sustaining the healthy things.
I'm hoping overall to feel better about myself, that the fibro/ME might improve (I can dream!), to be able to wear nice clothes, cut the risk of nasty health problems associated with being really overweight, to be able to knit more sweaters without having to toil through the acres of stocking stitch currently required to cover me and ultimately to be healthier in my habits and my relationship with food for life. Challenges are going to include any dips in mental health, times when I feel down and habitually reach for the biscuit barrel or times when I feel bored and eat to alleviate the boredom and the sheer number of pills I'm on that can cause weight gain (will be discussing this with GP when he re-emerges from his sabbatical). Hopefully a combination of relying on Jesus instead of food (also helping my spiritual health) and knitting will get me through.
My first target is to lose 7lb, I shall let you know how I get on. In the meantime I'm going to be quiet in case I turn into a WW bore (see, I'm already using the abbreviation!).
In other news I've finally found the pattern notes I had made for changes I'm making to the knee socks I started ages and ages ago so can continue them, my mini hot water bottle cover is almost finished and the weather is already such that my Forest Canopy Shawl is coming into its own keeping me warm about the house.
Lastly this evening I have started listening to Alice Through the Looking Glass excellently read on BBC Radio 7 by Alan Bennett, which is either an unsuccessful attempt to teach chess through allegory or the results of experiments with mind altering substances - my friend John reckons higher maths, though I'm inclined to think drugs of some form myself.
So I'm slowly getting to grips with my life being ruled by points (it's rather like being back in the second world war really) and reading the recipes on their website and entering depressing personal data. I'm stoked that carrots and cabbage are 0 points (or nuls points as it would be in the Eurovision song contest), but slightly peeved that one tablespoon of petits pois is 1 point. The number of points associated with cheese has blown my tiny mind! I have looked into the future and it contains significantly less cheese than once it did, right now I don't mind too much, how I will feel in coming weeks remains to be seen. I have been hungry at times today, despite being 8.5 points over my target number of points (looks embarrassed and blames the cheese) but that was always going to be the case switching from eating unlimited rubbish to limited healthy things, however sustaining the healthy things.
I'm hoping overall to feel better about myself, that the fibro/ME might improve (I can dream!), to be able to wear nice clothes, cut the risk of nasty health problems associated with being really overweight, to be able to knit more sweaters without having to toil through the acres of stocking stitch currently required to cover me and ultimately to be healthier in my habits and my relationship with food for life. Challenges are going to include any dips in mental health, times when I feel down and habitually reach for the biscuit barrel or times when I feel bored and eat to alleviate the boredom and the sheer number of pills I'm on that can cause weight gain (will be discussing this with GP when he re-emerges from his sabbatical). Hopefully a combination of relying on Jesus instead of food (also helping my spiritual health) and knitting will get me through.
My first target is to lose 7lb, I shall let you know how I get on. In the meantime I'm going to be quiet in case I turn into a WW bore (see, I'm already using the abbreviation!).
In other news I've finally found the pattern notes I had made for changes I'm making to the knee socks I started ages and ages ago so can continue them, my mini hot water bottle cover is almost finished and the weather is already such that my Forest Canopy Shawl is coming into its own keeping me warm about the house.
Lastly this evening I have started listening to Alice Through the Looking Glass excellently read on BBC Radio 7 by Alan Bennett, which is either an unsuccessful attempt to teach chess through allegory or the results of experiments with mind altering substances - my friend John reckons higher maths, though I'm inclined to think drugs of some form myself.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Post 101
My last post was my one hundredth; quite a landmark if I say so myself. I'm not entirely sure how to mark it, despite having blogged one hundred times I would still describe myself as a beginner in the art, though I now have the blog looking aesthetically more attractive.
Thinking about the things I like about the blogs I read a lot, the things that attract me to them is not just good writing, but also good photos and plenty of them, so I would like to improve my photographic skills and make my blog more picture orientated, though not to dilute the writing, but to complement it. Although this could be tricky as my camera is not currently working, it keeps saying there is a problem with the picture card; one of mine will now no longer work in the computer - irritatingly, as that is the card with all the pictures on it - the other is new and works in the computer but not the camera: even if I manage to mend it I would possibly like a camera upgrade. Mine is about five years old and my phone now has more mega-pixels.
In other news I'm working on my first pair of gloves with proper fingers and also the first ever vintage pattern I've knit, this pattern to be exact, in a gorgeous dark blue yarn from Abstract Cat crafts, dark blue with little hits and tones of turquoises just beginning to head into green, which I bought from folksy.com. The yarn is utterly gorgeous, though the dye is coming off on my hands a little; I'm going to be looking up how to fix dye once I've knit these gloves! The base yarn is as lovely as the colours and the fabric is firm but not stiff, with that "squish" and "sproing" you get with good wool yarn.
I'm not feeling fantastic this week, tired and crashing and trying not to be down. I am trying to rest it out and CBT myself when necessary, separate out all the things I'm thinking and work out why I'm thinking them and if they are valid. The problem is that the blank depressed down feeling is very familiar and in a strange way is a 'comfort zone' and I've got to make sure I don't just stay there because it's familiar, but be willing to push out of it and try new places and new experiences and feelings, because outside and beyond that zone are lots of lovely and exciting places to explore. Hopefully I'll get somewhere.
It might seem odd to have this mixture of personal stuff, encompassing mood and health and all sorts, in amongst the more traditional preoccupations of a craft blog, but my life isn't perfect and I want to be honest about that. My life is far from perfect, it isn't a feature in a lifestyle magazine, sometimes it's raw and messy and real and sometimes it's beautiful and joyful and creative and occasionally it's a mixture of them all at once. I've all too often felt intimidated or jealous (depending on my mood) by how perfect some people's lives seem, everything sorted out, life a series of wonderful events, but I know countless others for whom life just isn't like that and I want to be a voice out here in the wilds of the Internet for life as it is. A good example of someone who has done this with her blog and made it work is Kate/Wazz from Needled.com. Her blog used to be one I looked in on occasionally and felt jealous of all the wonderful things she was able to do and the beautiful places she went and lived (this has more to do with me and where I'm at than with her blog not being good - it was and is good). But since she had a stroke earlier this year (not something I would wish on anyone!) her blog has become a must-read, her account of recovery is compelling, human, real, something I can relate to and should be required reading for all doctors and health care professionals and politicians, but it is also richly creative and alive. I don't want my life to be subsumed by fibromyalgia and ME, in a way this blog is an account of that struggle to make my life about more than a series of diagnoses, as well as a way of coping.
One thing I am trying to learn is that certain way of seeing the good things in life, however small, that most contented people seem to have, Lucy from Attic24 (another blog) often seems to embody this elusive quality. It is a quality that sees as much good as possible in every situation, that rejoices in the beauties of our world, lives in the moment and savours that moment, not constantly discontent or wishing for something more or other or constantly worrying; I am working on this and praying about it, because I think it is deeply compatible with faith in Jesus and the peace He brings (see the end of Matthew 6).
Anyhow as usual I've gone on longer than I had intended, but here's to the next hundred posts, thank you for coming along with me.
Thinking about the things I like about the blogs I read a lot, the things that attract me to them is not just good writing, but also good photos and plenty of them, so I would like to improve my photographic skills and make my blog more picture orientated, though not to dilute the writing, but to complement it. Although this could be tricky as my camera is not currently working, it keeps saying there is a problem with the picture card; one of mine will now no longer work in the computer - irritatingly, as that is the card with all the pictures on it - the other is new and works in the computer but not the camera: even if I manage to mend it I would possibly like a camera upgrade. Mine is about five years old and my phone now has more mega-pixels.
In other news I'm working on my first pair of gloves with proper fingers and also the first ever vintage pattern I've knit, this pattern to be exact, in a gorgeous dark blue yarn from Abstract Cat crafts, dark blue with little hits and tones of turquoises just beginning to head into green, which I bought from folksy.com. The yarn is utterly gorgeous, though the dye is coming off on my hands a little; I'm going to be looking up how to fix dye once I've knit these gloves! The base yarn is as lovely as the colours and the fabric is firm but not stiff, with that "squish" and "sproing" you get with good wool yarn.
I'm not feeling fantastic this week, tired and crashing and trying not to be down. I am trying to rest it out and CBT myself when necessary, separate out all the things I'm thinking and work out why I'm thinking them and if they are valid. The problem is that the blank depressed down feeling is very familiar and in a strange way is a 'comfort zone' and I've got to make sure I don't just stay there because it's familiar, but be willing to push out of it and try new places and new experiences and feelings, because outside and beyond that zone are lots of lovely and exciting places to explore. Hopefully I'll get somewhere.
It might seem odd to have this mixture of personal stuff, encompassing mood and health and all sorts, in amongst the more traditional preoccupations of a craft blog, but my life isn't perfect and I want to be honest about that. My life is far from perfect, it isn't a feature in a lifestyle magazine, sometimes it's raw and messy and real and sometimes it's beautiful and joyful and creative and occasionally it's a mixture of them all at once. I've all too often felt intimidated or jealous (depending on my mood) by how perfect some people's lives seem, everything sorted out, life a series of wonderful events, but I know countless others for whom life just isn't like that and I want to be a voice out here in the wilds of the Internet for life as it is. A good example of someone who has done this with her blog and made it work is Kate/Wazz from Needled.com. Her blog used to be one I looked in on occasionally and felt jealous of all the wonderful things she was able to do and the beautiful places she went and lived (this has more to do with me and where I'm at than with her blog not being good - it was and is good). But since she had a stroke earlier this year (not something I would wish on anyone!) her blog has become a must-read, her account of recovery is compelling, human, real, something I can relate to and should be required reading for all doctors and health care professionals and politicians, but it is also richly creative and alive. I don't want my life to be subsumed by fibromyalgia and ME, in a way this blog is an account of that struggle to make my life about more than a series of diagnoses, as well as a way of coping.
One thing I am trying to learn is that certain way of seeing the good things in life, however small, that most contented people seem to have, Lucy from Attic24 (another blog) often seems to embody this elusive quality. It is a quality that sees as much good as possible in every situation, that rejoices in the beauties of our world, lives in the moment and savours that moment, not constantly discontent or wishing for something more or other or constantly worrying; I am working on this and praying about it, because I think it is deeply compatible with faith in Jesus and the peace He brings (see the end of Matthew 6).
Anyhow as usual I've gone on longer than I had intended, but here's to the next hundred posts, thank you for coming along with me.
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Ten years. ish
Around now it is my tenth anniversary, of having ME, not something I'm desperate to celebrate. But I wanted to mark it somehow.
Don't have a lot else to say, what is there to say? Without falling into self pity anyhow.
Don't have a lot else to say, what is there to say? Without falling into self pity anyhow.
Friday, 2 April 2010
Again it's been a long time since I last blogged, I must get into more of a habit of it. Life has been hectic lately, at least by my standards, lots of appointments with doctors, nurses, therapist, legal advisors etc. caused partly by a rather nasty infection and partly by my benefits appeal, which is next Thursday.
Next Thursday at 4pm hangs over me like a dread weight, a little like the anvil waiting to drop like in an old fashioned cartoon. Having to justify myself and defend why I need incapacity benefit and how I'm ill enough is horrible, I hate having to do it. I hate the 'game playing' that becomes involved and the need to bend the truth to fit their guidelines. I hate the rigidity of their system that makes no account of the things that really affect my ability to work - like how tired I am every day, day in day out. The 'fatigue' is what stops me from doing so much I long to do but I struggle to communicate this to the professionals who are trying to help (or hinder as their role entails...). Increasingly I'm being asked what job I want to do, am I going to continue any study, work related activities, volunteering and all the rest. But I don't currently have the energy to get a hair cut, or see my friends, or even go to church group, so where am I going to get the energy to do all these other things?
I am trying to trust God, because I know all things are in his hands, but I am struggling. I don't even know if the benefits are part of his provision for me or if he has some other plan. Another point of the benefits appeal that worries me is the truth; I've been told what to say - but some of it isn't 100% true, or is a blurring of the truth or being economical with it. To some extent some of this can't be helped - a system that judges you fit for work if you can watch tv for 30 minutes and follow what is happening means that sometimes you do need to be careful what you say. Some of this is also remembering what a worst day is like and talking about that, which is something I'm very bad at, I'm used to playing down how awful I feel, so this is all very counter-intuitive. But I do not want to lie outright, because as a follower of Jesus I want to be honest.
After I had been thinking about this yesterday I read that day's entry in Spurgeon's Faith's Chequebook and the words seemed to spring out of the page at me:
I don't know if I want to win this appeal, although it would bring a little bit of money into my life, which wouldn't be unwelcome, but it would also bring back all the 'pathways to work' interviews and extra demands. Additionally there is talk of how I should be applying for more benefits, including Disability Living Allowance, which I can't stand even to think about. It makes me feel like life isn't worth living, what's the point in all this? The sheer amount of stress, on top of feeling so ill makes life seem very unappealing. This is so bad for my mental health, the DWP make me feel worthless, guilty, useless and a fraud on a number of different levels (for example, for being able to knit and knitting so much). I hate this system, it feels like being kicked when you are down.
I feel like such a wimp making all this fuss.
Next Thursday at 4pm hangs over me like a dread weight, a little like the anvil waiting to drop like in an old fashioned cartoon. Having to justify myself and defend why I need incapacity benefit and how I'm ill enough is horrible, I hate having to do it. I hate the 'game playing' that becomes involved and the need to bend the truth to fit their guidelines. I hate the rigidity of their system that makes no account of the things that really affect my ability to work - like how tired I am every day, day in day out. The 'fatigue' is what stops me from doing so much I long to do but I struggle to communicate this to the professionals who are trying to help (or hinder as their role entails...). Increasingly I'm being asked what job I want to do, am I going to continue any study, work related activities, volunteering and all the rest. But I don't currently have the energy to get a hair cut, or see my friends, or even go to church group, so where am I going to get the energy to do all these other things?
I am trying to trust God, because I know all things are in his hands, but I am struggling. I don't even know if the benefits are part of his provision for me or if he has some other plan. Another point of the benefits appeal that worries me is the truth; I've been told what to say - but some of it isn't 100% true, or is a blurring of the truth or being economical with it. To some extent some of this can't be helped - a system that judges you fit for work if you can watch tv for 30 minutes and follow what is happening means that sometimes you do need to be careful what you say. Some of this is also remembering what a worst day is like and talking about that, which is something I'm very bad at, I'm used to playing down how awful I feel, so this is all very counter-intuitive. But I do not want to lie outright, because as a follower of Jesus I want to be honest.
After I had been thinking about this yesterday I read that day's entry in Spurgeon's Faith's Chequebook and the words seemed to spring out of the page at me:
Let the reader never for a moment attempt to help himself out of a difficulty by a falsehood or by a questionable act; but let him keep in the middle of the high road of truth and integrity, and he will be following the best possible course. In our lives we must never practice circular sailing nor dream of shuffling. Be just and fear not. Follow Jesus and heed no evil consequences. If the worst of ills could be avoided by wrongdoing, we should, in the very attempt, have fallen into an evil worse than any other ill could be. God's way must be the very best way. Follow it though men think you a fool, and you will be truly wise.So I'm doing my best to prepare, praying, trying to trust, trying not to go to pieces completely. These benefits have such a negative impact on my mental health, which is infuriating because I was just beginning to feel like I was getting somewhere with the CBT, beginning to feel more positive about myself, feeling pleased that I finally felt like I was recovering from the depression.
I don't know if I want to win this appeal, although it would bring a little bit of money into my life, which wouldn't be unwelcome, but it would also bring back all the 'pathways to work' interviews and extra demands. Additionally there is talk of how I should be applying for more benefits, including Disability Living Allowance, which I can't stand even to think about. It makes me feel like life isn't worth living, what's the point in all this? The sheer amount of stress, on top of feeling so ill makes life seem very unappealing. This is so bad for my mental health, the DWP make me feel worthless, guilty, useless and a fraud on a number of different levels (for example, for being able to knit and knitting so much). I hate this system, it feels like being kicked when you are down.
I feel like such a wimp making all this fuss.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Frustration
Tonight I'm feeling incredibly frustrated, that wanting to hit out, lash out, stamp, throw myself on the ground and kick and scream and beat my fists against the earth in an attempt to express some of the tsunami of feeling rushing over and through and out of me. None of it is helped by the feeling that it's all such stupid small stuff that is causing this huge volume of feeling. The new "pain killer" (lyrica/pregabalin for those interested in technicalities) is a) not doing anything for the pain and b) causing massive brain fog which means I'm struggling to understand anything, especially my knitting. As I am on a very low dose this may explain part a, I am prepared to increase the dose if that is what my GP considers wise, if it means that it deals with the pain levels. However, side effects without any intended effect is truly frustrating. Admittedly as one of the listed side effects is heart failure I could be said to be getting off lightly.
According to the friendly leaflet that accompanies the pills the side effects I am experiencing are "uncommon", in the "more than 1 person in 1000" category. Aren't I the lucky one? I do have to confess to being sceptical when my GP assured me that most people don't experience any side effects; my body is rarely this co-operative, if there are side effects it generally does its best to experience at least some of them.
I am feeling particularly frustrated because this is affecting my ability to knit and as knitting is one of my main coping mechanisms this is not good, not good at all. Today I spent most of the day recovering from how awful I felt when I woke up, a fun occupation. Yet again that burning pain in my neck and all around my head and the same pain in my legs and at times arms and across my shoulders. Distraction is the best ploy for when feeling like this, because the more I think about how much it hurts the more it seems to hurt. Oh and before any of the Christian mafia leap out and ask, I did pray, I cried out to God and all the cliches. Maybe the Sims, comedy on BBC radio 7 and my cuddly hot water bottle cover Frank (and more specifically the hot water bottle inside his tummy) were God's answer? Well let's just say I'm thankful for them.
As a Christian and knowing other Christians who don't own TVs and go on about how computer games are a waste of time and knowing that we're meant to use our time wisely (the parable of the talents in Matthew 25 and Jesus talking about the harvest is plentiful but the workers few Matthew 9 are the only references that come to mind right now) I struggle with the Sims2. I enjoy playing it, no question of that, but is it the wisest use of my time? In trying to answer this I come back to the general questions of what I am supposed to be doing now, to me it feels like I'm going nowhere, though I know God has His plans and knows what He is doing. But then if playing the Sims 2 (or watching tv or knitting or any other similar past-time) helps me to cope, mentally and with managing pain, is it so bad?
Sometimes I feel like I should be spending all my time growing in knowledge of God and pursuing Him. Certainly spending more time with Him would be no bad thing, but although I try to live in His presence (work in progress - believe me!) sometimes I just need some time off from life. It comes down to trying to survive in the time between now and Jesus' return/being healed/getting better/dying. But we all need recreation and rest, that's something it took me a while to re-learn after becoming a Christian and being incredibly intense about it all. Giving myself permission to relax, to stop, has taken a long time and in the meantime I did myself a lot of damage in terms of the ME and pushing myself.
Anyhow, yet again I feel better for 'talking' this all out; I haven't got many people around to talk to right now, hence a lovely long post. Time to fill another hot water bottle (yes in August), until next time.
According to the friendly leaflet that accompanies the pills the side effects I am experiencing are "uncommon", in the "more than 1 person in 1000" category. Aren't I the lucky one? I do have to confess to being sceptical when my GP assured me that most people don't experience any side effects; my body is rarely this co-operative, if there are side effects it generally does its best to experience at least some of them.
I am feeling particularly frustrated because this is affecting my ability to knit and as knitting is one of my main coping mechanisms this is not good, not good at all. Today I spent most of the day recovering from how awful I felt when I woke up, a fun occupation. Yet again that burning pain in my neck and all around my head and the same pain in my legs and at times arms and across my shoulders. Distraction is the best ploy for when feeling like this, because the more I think about how much it hurts the more it seems to hurt. Oh and before any of the Christian mafia leap out and ask, I did pray, I cried out to God and all the cliches. Maybe the Sims, comedy on BBC radio 7 and my cuddly hot water bottle cover Frank (and more specifically the hot water bottle inside his tummy) were God's answer? Well let's just say I'm thankful for them.
As a Christian and knowing other Christians who don't own TVs and go on about how computer games are a waste of time and knowing that we're meant to use our time wisely (the parable of the talents in Matthew 25 and Jesus talking about the harvest is plentiful but the workers few Matthew 9 are the only references that come to mind right now) I struggle with the Sims2. I enjoy playing it, no question of that, but is it the wisest use of my time? In trying to answer this I come back to the general questions of what I am supposed to be doing now, to me it feels like I'm going nowhere, though I know God has His plans and knows what He is doing. But then if playing the Sims 2 (or watching tv or knitting or any other similar past-time) helps me to cope, mentally and with managing pain, is it so bad?
Sometimes I feel like I should be spending all my time growing in knowledge of God and pursuing Him. Certainly spending more time with Him would be no bad thing, but although I try to live in His presence (work in progress - believe me!) sometimes I just need some time off from life. It comes down to trying to survive in the time between now and Jesus' return/being healed/getting better/dying. But we all need recreation and rest, that's something it took me a while to re-learn after becoming a Christian and being incredibly intense about it all. Giving myself permission to relax, to stop, has taken a long time and in the meantime I did myself a lot of damage in terms of the ME and pushing myself.
Anyhow, yet again I feel better for 'talking' this all out; I haven't got many people around to talk to right now, hence a lovely long post. Time to fill another hot water bottle (yes in August), until next time.
Friday, 7 August 2009
no answers?
I saw another doctor today, not my usual one as he, poor chap, has swine flu. There doesn't seem to be anything conclusive from the latest lot of blood tests, no rheumatoid things or autoimmune things. So why do I feel so awful? Why is my inflammation still up high? Why do my knees hurt and feel so weird?
Not knowing has been getting to me so much. Part of me is terrified, part of me desperately wants something that vindicates how awful I feel day in day out; all of me wants answers.
I know God knows what He's doing, I know all things work to good etc. (Romans 8.28) and believe me I'm trying to trust Him, so hard. I'm trying to find some peace, somewhere in the midst of all this.
It's so hard not to despair and give up. But then is fighting a good option anyway? And what am I fighting for? All of life seems like a fight to survive, like grimly hanging on by the tips of your fingers to some sort of normality. Maybe I should let go? But it's easy to do as an analogy, less easy to work out how to do that. I wish I had some wise person to talk things through with, or some guidance or someone to care, to be in the same room to talk to, who cares.
Suppose I'd better try to sleep now.
Not knowing has been getting to me so much. Part of me is terrified, part of me desperately wants something that vindicates how awful I feel day in day out; all of me wants answers.
I know God knows what He's doing, I know all things work to good etc. (Romans 8.28) and believe me I'm trying to trust Him, so hard. I'm trying to find some peace, somewhere in the midst of all this.
It's so hard not to despair and give up. But then is fighting a good option anyway? And what am I fighting for? All of life seems like a fight to survive, like grimly hanging on by the tips of your fingers to some sort of normality. Maybe I should let go? But it's easy to do as an analogy, less easy to work out how to do that. I wish I had some wise person to talk things through with, or some guidance or someone to care, to be in the same room to talk to, who cares.
Suppose I'd better try to sleep now.
Monday, 3 August 2009
Brain fog and Velvet Elvis
We are back to brain fog, yet again. Today I excelled myself - yet again - by turning up to the doctor's in central London a day early. I am so annoyed with myself, all that happened was that I'd written it in the wrong day in my diary. But it's such a waste of energy. On the positive side I was at the right place, at the right time, just on the wrong day. Unfortunately the doctor wasn't in until 4pm that day either, so I couldn't be fitted in somewhere.
I'm so angry with myself about it, energy is in such short supply and to manage to waste so much achieving nothing and only having to go in again next week, it's infuriating. I used to be so sharp and bright, now look at me. I suppose it's good for humility...?
In any other business I have started reading Rob Bell's book Velvet Elvis. A thought provoking and honest look at and grapple with what it means to follow Jesus. I especially liked his footnote to read everything John Piper has ever written, when he was discussing joy in God. I can see how if you took bits of what he is saying, alone and outside the context of his overall argument, it would seem that he is "unsound" (as many Christians I know would put it). However, he emphasises throughout that it is a book of ideas that are to be wrestled with, not a solid, finished, polished argument or doctrine, to be put into a glass case and considered finished. At first I was distinctly unsure about the book, particularly as I can find his "Nooma" dvds irritating, at times they seem very rooted in modern psychological ideas and I find the presentation style hard to concentrate on. Some of this is me, a large part of it is me, but sometimes they do seem to be in place of engaging with the Bible as a group, in fact in the way that he advocates in Velvet Elvis.
So far in my reading - I think I am in the second chapter - I have particularly liked the way he has explained some of the Jewish background to the Gospels and indeed to our faith. Despite the new Pauline theology we are rather inclined to view the New Testament through somewhat Lutheran eyes - by this I mean through the eyes of the sixteenth century Reformation and all that came after it. Some of the more bewildering bits, especially of Matthew, now make a little more sense, given their context.
Rob Bell's metaphor of choice for how he wants his faith to be is a trampoline, which I like. While of course the usual caveats surrounding analogies need to be borne in mind (i.e. they are only of limited utility to help understand an idea, they are not perfect images or explanations of the idea itself), a trampoline is still a trampoline in its essence and being, whether it is flat or flexing as people come into contact with it as they bounce. A similar way of putting this (or a slightly related idea) is as Adrian Plass describes towards the end of the second volume of his Sacred Diaries, to walk the narrowest possible path ourselves while trying to reach out as wide as we can to others. In the same way our faith is still in Jesus, even if the church, the way we do things, our interpretation of some aspects of the Bible, the tools we use (e.g. new technologies) and the way in which we relate to the society in which we live change and flex with the times and the circumstances. The Bible is a living book (see Hebrews 4.12) and as such we must relate to it and struggle and wrestle with what it says (much as Jacob did with the 'angel' in Genesis 32). Though as Rob Bell qualifies we need to do so with humility and the Holy Spirit. God is (Exodus 3) and we need to explore who He is, what He has said and what this means for us and how we live our lives, (not create our own impression of god).
While I was in the bath just now I was chewing over all these ideas, feeling quite excited at the intellectual stimulus, being able to think, having something to think about. Then I remembered (or was reminded?) that actually it is the faith I have in the living God, in Jesus on the cross dying for me, in the Holy Spirit living in me, that matters, more than anything intellectual. It's that still small voice (1 Samuel 19) that helps me through each day and helps me keep some sort of grip on life, that makes sense and says that one day it's going to be more than OK, to hold on, that's what matters. Humbling too, because enjoyable and absorbing as intellectual activity is, what Jesus has done is what is truly vital, in every sense of that word.
I'm so angry with myself about it, energy is in such short supply and to manage to waste so much achieving nothing and only having to go in again next week, it's infuriating. I used to be so sharp and bright, now look at me. I suppose it's good for humility...?
In any other business I have started reading Rob Bell's book Velvet Elvis. A thought provoking and honest look at and grapple with what it means to follow Jesus. I especially liked his footnote to read everything John Piper has ever written, when he was discussing joy in God. I can see how if you took bits of what he is saying, alone and outside the context of his overall argument, it would seem that he is "unsound" (as many Christians I know would put it). However, he emphasises throughout that it is a book of ideas that are to be wrestled with, not a solid, finished, polished argument or doctrine, to be put into a glass case and considered finished. At first I was distinctly unsure about the book, particularly as I can find his "Nooma" dvds irritating, at times they seem very rooted in modern psychological ideas and I find the presentation style hard to concentrate on. Some of this is me, a large part of it is me, but sometimes they do seem to be in place of engaging with the Bible as a group, in fact in the way that he advocates in Velvet Elvis.
So far in my reading - I think I am in the second chapter - I have particularly liked the way he has explained some of the Jewish background to the Gospels and indeed to our faith. Despite the new Pauline theology we are rather inclined to view the New Testament through somewhat Lutheran eyes - by this I mean through the eyes of the sixteenth century Reformation and all that came after it. Some of the more bewildering bits, especially of Matthew, now make a little more sense, given their context.
Rob Bell's metaphor of choice for how he wants his faith to be is a trampoline, which I like. While of course the usual caveats surrounding analogies need to be borne in mind (i.e. they are only of limited utility to help understand an idea, they are not perfect images or explanations of the idea itself), a trampoline is still a trampoline in its essence and being, whether it is flat or flexing as people come into contact with it as they bounce. A similar way of putting this (or a slightly related idea) is as Adrian Plass describes towards the end of the second volume of his Sacred Diaries, to walk the narrowest possible path ourselves while trying to reach out as wide as we can to others. In the same way our faith is still in Jesus, even if the church, the way we do things, our interpretation of some aspects of the Bible, the tools we use (e.g. new technologies) and the way in which we relate to the society in which we live change and flex with the times and the circumstances. The Bible is a living book (see Hebrews 4.12) and as such we must relate to it and struggle and wrestle with what it says (much as Jacob did with the 'angel' in Genesis 32). Though as Rob Bell qualifies we need to do so with humility and the Holy Spirit. God is (Exodus 3) and we need to explore who He is, what He has said and what this means for us and how we live our lives, (not create our own impression of god).
While I was in the bath just now I was chewing over all these ideas, feeling quite excited at the intellectual stimulus, being able to think, having something to think about. Then I remembered (or was reminded?) that actually it is the faith I have in the living God, in Jesus on the cross dying for me, in the Holy Spirit living in me, that matters, more than anything intellectual. It's that still small voice (1 Samuel 19) that helps me through each day and helps me keep some sort of grip on life, that makes sense and says that one day it's going to be more than OK, to hold on, that's what matters. Humbling too, because enjoyable and absorbing as intellectual activity is, what Jesus has done is what is truly vital, in every sense of that word.
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Bible Study and brain fog
Although there is much written about "suffering" and on associated topics there seems to be little on how to study the Bible while ill, exhausted and brain fogged. If the illness is of short duration, such as a cold or virus, it is not such an issue, certainly detailed Bible study can be set aside for a little and at most a few Psalms or some of the Gospels read instead. But what is one to do if the illness and exhaustion is long term or even potentially permanent? For it is inadvisable to suspend Bible study indefinitely, right now I am longing to get deeper into the Bible, like I used to before I became so indisposed. Yet I cannot think straight or concentrate and earlier today whilst trying to read the introduction to some study notes on Romans kept dozing off, not because of disinterest, but because of exhaustion.
There is little point deciding to do it later or another day when I am more awake or feeling better, because this time or day never arrives. It simply leads to Bible study being continually put off. So is there any solution to this problem?
The first one that comes to mind is prayer; asking for God's help when reading His word is always essential, but it is not just understanding and insight but also concentration, strength and energy I need to pray for.
Not being too ambitious and studying small amounts at a time can help too. As with anything I do (my memory not being too good) writing things down can help.
I would be grateful for any other suggestions, resources and strategies anyone can suggest. Getting any teaching or study at all can be a real challenge when ill, from the difficulties of making it to church or church group to struggling to focus on or remember anything of sermons I listen to and much else in between. My memory is shot away, memorising Scripture is something I would love to do, and I used to be fairly good on where things were in the Bible, but at times I struggle to remember what day of the week it is, let alone chapter and verse. It can lead to tremendous feelings of inadequacy and the feeling of being a "bad" Christian, especially when even praying is hard and I feel isolated from any kind of fellowship. None of my prayers are ever especially impressive, I don't pray for a long time in one go daily because I'm not really up to it.
Anyhow, input welcome, thank you!
There is little point deciding to do it later or another day when I am more awake or feeling better, because this time or day never arrives. It simply leads to Bible study being continually put off. So is there any solution to this problem?
The first one that comes to mind is prayer; asking for God's help when reading His word is always essential, but it is not just understanding and insight but also concentration, strength and energy I need to pray for.
Not being too ambitious and studying small amounts at a time can help too. As with anything I do (my memory not being too good) writing things down can help.
I would be grateful for any other suggestions, resources and strategies anyone can suggest. Getting any teaching or study at all can be a real challenge when ill, from the difficulties of making it to church or church group to struggling to focus on or remember anything of sermons I listen to and much else in between. My memory is shot away, memorising Scripture is something I would love to do, and I used to be fairly good on where things were in the Bible, but at times I struggle to remember what day of the week it is, let alone chapter and verse. It can lead to tremendous feelings of inadequacy and the feeling of being a "bad" Christian, especially when even praying is hard and I feel isolated from any kind of fellowship. None of my prayers are ever especially impressive, I don't pray for a long time in one go daily because I'm not really up to it.
Anyhow, input welcome, thank you!
Friday, 29 May 2009
A few thoughts
First a poem:
Cat's Note
How often can you take a poem
and stroke it on your lap?
John Agard
Rather liked that, an amusing, intriguing little thought. The cat is of course, quite right, but then cats generally are right, they prefer it that way.
The major excitement in my life this week has been the opening of Waitrose in Croydon. For those not in the UK or not in the know this is a supermarket, generally seen as the "poshest", certainly it sells the best quality food and I am most excited and thrilled. I now have beautiful food for sale 10 minutes from my front door, I have a feeling this may make a slight dent in my finances. It is impressive how they have managed to make a formerly drab thoroughly depressing shop into a smart, classy little supermarket. It is the smallest Waitrose I've ever been in, but still stocks a good range of products. Their staff could do with a little more training, but no doubt that will come with time.
I've been a teeny bit less overwhelmingly exhausted today and no headache wooooooooo! Let's hope that continues tomorrow, I like being able to do something with my day, however small. Yet I'm starting to struggle with the heat, I'm beginning to conclude that my body simply does not have an optimum temperature, it is stuck in a permenant state of petulant disapproval and complaint, as hard to please as the Queen of Hearts in "Alice". Heigh-ho, can't get too fed up, or I'd never stop being fed up. Though sometimes that's how it feels. Yesterday I was so, so angry with feeling awful constantly, so sick of it, so fed up and yet there doesn't seem to be an end in sight, if nothing I get worse. I'm sure God knows what He's doing, it just all looks jolly odd from my perspective.
Cat's Note
How often can you take a poem
and stroke it on your lap?
John Agard
Rather liked that, an amusing, intriguing little thought. The cat is of course, quite right, but then cats generally are right, they prefer it that way.
The major excitement in my life this week has been the opening of Waitrose in Croydon. For those not in the UK or not in the know this is a supermarket, generally seen as the "poshest", certainly it sells the best quality food and I am most excited and thrilled. I now have beautiful food for sale 10 minutes from my front door, I have a feeling this may make a slight dent in my finances. It is impressive how they have managed to make a formerly drab thoroughly depressing shop into a smart, classy little supermarket. It is the smallest Waitrose I've ever been in, but still stocks a good range of products. Their staff could do with a little more training, but no doubt that will come with time.
I've been a teeny bit less overwhelmingly exhausted today and no headache wooooooooo! Let's hope that continues tomorrow, I like being able to do something with my day, however small. Yet I'm starting to struggle with the heat, I'm beginning to conclude that my body simply does not have an optimum temperature, it is stuck in a permenant state of petulant disapproval and complaint, as hard to please as the Queen of Hearts in "Alice". Heigh-ho, can't get too fed up, or I'd never stop being fed up. Though sometimes that's how it feels. Yesterday I was so, so angry with feeling awful constantly, so sick of it, so fed up and yet there doesn't seem to be an end in sight, if nothing I get worse. I'm sure God knows what He's doing, it just all looks jolly odd from my perspective.
Saturday, 10 January 2009
A good video
Hopefully I'll work out how to post this, but this video is rather good at describing the effects of ME on us. I liked her description that it's "like trying to run a marathon with the flu".
Take us seriously world!
Take us seriously world!
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