Tuesday, 18 August 2009

I'm feeling real low and hopeless and angry and wanting to cry and cry and cry and cry. Why can't depression ever just leave me alone? Why can't I just have a day of feeling ok? Of not sleeping weirdly and waking up hungover and staggering through the day and only waking up properly at bedtime? I had lunch with friends today and kept zoning out of the conversation, because my stupid knees hurt. Stupid knees, so much seems to be their fault. They stink (not literally, I do wash).

As you may have gathered I'm not feeling the greatest. I know I have a reason to hope. I know I have the greatest and most solid reason to hope there's ever been and deep down, somewhere in some little part of my brain that's still sane and not consumed by this choking blackness, I know this. I'm just not feeling it right now. And yes I'm praying. And I read the Bible. And I'm reaching out to Jesus.

Crying out to God the great Father and throwing myself on Him and crying on His shoulder and trying to let the anger and the storm inside to abate for long enough to let His love through. And I'm asking Him why? and when? and how long? and all those questions that plague us, plague me. Yeah I'm questioning God, but because I know He's the only one worth asking.

And so it goes on.

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