Monday, 24 August 2009


Spontaneity is not a luxury I am able to afford; everyday life needs such careful planning and allocation of energy. It is something I am generally used to and generally manage fairly well, with of course the periodic "blow out" for special occasions. Today was one such occasion, as friends I had not seen in a year suddenly asked if they could come for a visit in the evening. It was truly lovely to see them and didn't throw me out too far - I haven't any plans for what is now today (it is currently early on Monday morning) and my only plans for Sunday evening had involved tv and knitting - much like any other evening.

We had a meal out, a good laugh, a good chat, a chance to feel 'normal' for a change. But when they left things did feel very flat. It was like when you shake a snow globe and all the little pieces of snow swirl up and around in the water and gradually settle again in different places to where they had started: I feel similarly shaken up. Things and people I hadn't thought about in a while re-remembered, realising how much I miss having close friends to talk to - especially without Amy around - a window on a different world, a different way of life, a world of doing, rather than of being. A time to count your blessings and try not to be too envious of other people's.

Mercifully we spoke little about how I am and what is going on in my life, I'm bored enough of living it, let alone talking about it to everyone I meet. There's little point unless the person concerned is able to help or be constructive in some way - in sympathy, encouragement, advice or prayer. The jollity and companionship has also made me realise how much time I spend alone and how narrow and dull my life is. They commented on how lovely our house is, which is true, I do recognise that, but often it escapes my notice through repetition - I spend so long here it starts to feel like a prison. Although they did offer to have me to stay, though given the distance they live at and that their flat is up 4 flights of stairs this may be rather less than practical, though very kind nonetheless. I didn't like to expand on this, trying to get people to understand why travel exhausts and stairs hurt is hardly the most jovial of pasttimes.

Now I can't sleep, so I'm writing this. Sleep attempt no.2 coming up, here goes.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Stephanie, I actually really like this post. I know it wasn't easy to write, but i think it demonstrates an honesty of day to day life that is viewed differently by those peeking in the window so to speak and those living it from the inside.

    Love you so much xoxo