Spontaneity is not a luxury I am able to afford; everyday life needs such careful planning and allocation of energy. It is something I am generally used to and generally manage fairly well, with of course the periodic "blow out" for special occasions. Today was one such occasion, as friends I had not seen in a year suddenly asked if they could come for a visit in the evening. It was truly lovely to see them and didn't throw me out too far - I haven't any plans for what is now today (it is currently early on Monday morning) and my only plans for Sunday evening had involved tv and knitting - much like any other evening.
We had a meal out, a good laugh, a good chat, a chance to feel 'normal' for a change. But when they left things did feel very flat. It was like when you shake a snow globe and all the little pieces of snow swirl up and around in the water and gradually settle again in different places to where they had started: I feel similarly shaken up. Things and people I hadn't thought about in a while re-remembered, realising how much I miss having close friends to talk to - especially without Amy around - a window on a different world, a different way of life, a world of doing, rather than of being. A time to count your blessings and try not to be too envious of other people's.
Mercifully we spoke little about how I am and what is going on in my life, I'm bored enough of living it, let alone talking about it to everyone I meet. There's little point unless the person concerned is able to help or be constructive in some way - in sympathy, encouragement, advice or prayer. The jollity and companionship has also made me realise how much time I spend alone and how narrow and dull my life is. They commented on how lovely our house is, which is true, I do recognise that, but often it escapes my notice through repetition - I spend so long here it starts to feel like a prison. Although they did offer to have me to stay, though given the distance they live at and that their flat is up 4 flights of stairs this may be rather less than practical, though very kind nonetheless. I didn't like to expand on this, trying to get people to understand why travel exhausts and stairs hurt is hardly the most jovial of pasttimes.
Now I can't sleep, so I'm writing this. Sleep attempt no.2 coming up, here goes.