Tonight I'm feeling incredibly frustrated, that wanting to hit out, lash out, stamp, throw myself on the ground and kick and scream and beat my fists against the earth in an attempt to express some of the tsunami of feeling rushing over and through and out of me. None of it is helped by the feeling that it's all such stupid small stuff that is causing this huge volume of feeling. The new "pain killer" (lyrica/pregabalin for those interested in technicalities) is a) not doing anything for the pain and b) causing massive brain fog which means I'm struggling to understand anything, especially my knitting. As I am on a very low dose this may explain part a, I am prepared to increase the dose if that is what my GP considers wise, if it means that it deals with the pain levels. However, side effects without any intended effect is truly frustrating. Admittedly as one of the listed side effects is heart failure I could be said to be getting off lightly.
According to the friendly leaflet that accompanies the pills the side effects I am experiencing are "uncommon", in the "more than 1 person in 1000" category. Aren't I the lucky one? I do have to confess to being sceptical when my GP assured me that most people don't experience any side effects; my body is rarely this co-operative, if there are side effects it generally does its best to experience at least some of them.
I am feeling particularly frustrated because this is affecting my ability to knit and as knitting is one of my main coping mechanisms this is not good, not good at all. Today I spent most of the day recovering from how awful I felt when I woke up, a fun occupation. Yet again that burning pain in my neck and all around my head and the same pain in my legs and at times arms and across my shoulders. Distraction is the best ploy for when feeling like this, because the more I think about how much it hurts the more it seems to hurt. Oh and before any of the Christian mafia leap out and ask, I did pray, I cried out to God and all the cliches. Maybe the Sims, comedy on BBC radio 7 and my cuddly hot water bottle cover Frank (and more specifically the hot water bottle inside his tummy) were God's answer? Well let's just say I'm thankful for them.
As a Christian and knowing other Christians who don't own TVs and go on about how computer games are a waste of time and knowing that we're meant to use our time wisely (the parable of the talents in Matthew 25 and Jesus talking about the harvest is plentiful but the workers few Matthew 9 are the only references that come to mind right now) I struggle with the Sims2. I enjoy playing it, no question of that, but is it the wisest use of my time? In trying to answer this I come back to the general questions of what I am supposed to be doing now, to me it feels like I'm going nowhere, though I know God has His plans and knows what He is doing. But then if playing the Sims 2 (or watching tv or knitting or any other similar past-time) helps me to cope, mentally and with managing pain, is it so bad?
Sometimes I feel like I should be spending all my time growing in knowledge of God and pursuing Him. Certainly spending more time with Him would be no bad thing, but although I try to live in His presence (work in progress - believe me!) sometimes I just need some time off from life. It comes down to trying to survive in the time between now and Jesus' return/being healed/getting better/dying. But we all need recreation and rest, that's something it took me a while to re-learn after becoming a Christian and being incredibly intense about it all. Giving myself permission to relax, to stop, has taken a long time and in the meantime I did myself a lot of damage in terms of the ME and pushing myself.
Anyhow, yet again I feel better for 'talking' this all out; I haven't got many people around to talk to right now, hence a lovely long post. Time to fill another hot water bottle (yes in August), until next time.