I saw another doctor today, not my usual one as he, poor chap, has swine flu. There doesn't seem to be anything conclusive from the latest lot of blood tests, no rheumatoid things or autoimmune things. So why do I feel so awful? Why is my inflammation still up high? Why do my knees hurt and feel so weird?
Not knowing has been getting to me so much. Part of me is terrified, part of me desperately wants something that vindicates how awful I feel day in day out; all of me wants answers.
I know God knows what He's doing, I know all things work to good etc. (Romans 8.28) and believe me I'm trying to trust Him, so hard. I'm trying to find some peace, somewhere in the midst of all this.
It's so hard not to despair and give up. But then is fighting a good option anyway? And what am I fighting for? All of life seems like a fight to survive, like grimly hanging on by the tips of your fingers to some sort of normality. Maybe I should let go? But it's easy to do as an analogy, less easy to work out how to do that. I wish I had some wise person to talk things through with, or some guidance or someone to care, to be in the same room to talk to, who cares.
Suppose I'd better try to sleep now.