Thursday, 14 May 2009

Denial (and not an Egyptian in sight)

Continuing to read the book I mentioned earlier in the week (Storm Force) and a novel I picked up from the bookshelves today, Regeneration by Pat Barker. The latter book is about the first world war, about a psychiatrist treating soldiers, among them Siegfried Sassoon and Wilfred Owen. The thing that has struck me from both is the damaging effect that trying to forget bad things and burying emotions deep down inside yourself can have. In Regeneration the soldiers who attempt to bury what they have been through only have it come back to them in nightmares and hallucinations, it is only by facing it that they escape. This idea interests me, as I do get nightmares and anxious worried dreams a lot.

Sometimes I feel like I am full of sadness and I dare not let any of it out because I don't know that if I start I will be able to stop and I don't know what would happen. So I bury everything deep inside me, sometimes allowing a little bit of grief, particularly the more "acceptable" bits, like missing Amy, out. I know I should deal with this. But it's so hard. Where to start? Likewise I know therapy - the right therapy - will help, but finding the right therapy is so hard. Most "counsellors" seem, or at least the ones I have seen, have failed to grasp my problems and seen it all as intractable, they ended up making things worse rather than better. I should probably stop using that as an "excuse" for not taking any action?

Jesus is important in this sort of healing too though, but I don't know how to let Him in. I don't know what to do. Unlike the optimistic (or delusional?) psychiatrists I have seen lately, I don't believe that straight CBT will sort everything out and make me all well again. But then these doctors won't even listen to how I am feeling or dignify my feelings with belief. They add to the hurts, they don't do anything to help. Why should I keep having to prove myself constantly?

What I'd really like is to see a Christian psychiatrist, a really good psychiatrist mind, as well as being a Christian. The Christian bit is important because right now the people I am seeing see my faith as, well probably a further sign of insanity, whereas it's an important part of my life and there are things only Jesus can heal. I would love to see a psychiatrist who cared, who listened, who knew what they were doing (i.e. not giving you pot-luck new tablets) and could help me sort out what's going on inside my head. However, so far as I can find out Christian doctors only seem to exist inside Christian paperbacks and good psychiatrists...? Is there such a thing? If anyone knows of the whereabouts of either of these ellusive creatures do let me know - yes I'm serious, deadly serious.

I don't want to go through the rest of my life heaving around towering mental and emotional pain, with a deep dark well of sadness inside me. I know that there are some things I cannot change and need to learn to live with, but the right person could help with that too? Although I can be fairly happy on the surface and drift through each day carefully distracting myself from all the 'important' stressful things going on it is so fragile and such an uneasy peace. I want to be able to stop running.

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